This news post filled my Facebook feed yesterday. (Click here).
And made me ANGRY!
Some complete jackass scams his co-workers out of their sick leave by faking cancer.
Okay, there are stories all the time about people who fake cancer. For the attention, the sympathy, the money, I'm not sure what their mental issue is (and clearly they have many), but it always gets me riled up. Even the gal that's been stealing my blog posts and passing them off as her own is apparently faking having cancer and using my words to tell people how "she's" feeling.
Seriously folks, if you want attention, you can have my cancer. Feel free...even for a day. I dare you.
But this story touched a nerve. And made me especially angry. Because I don't know where I'd be without a shared sick leave option.
I was SO blessed to have amazing coworkers who donated sick leave so that I could stay home throughout treatments, concentrate on getting healthy, and not have to worry about getting a paycheck or losing my insurance. These amazing people made it possible for me to stay home for the equivalent of one entire school year (split up over two years). One of these amazing people simply told me, "however much you need, it's yours. Don't even hesitate to ask." I cry every time I think of the generosity of this man, and all those that were so willing to donate sick leave to me. Large amounts or small, it didn't even matter (in fact, the district would never tell me who donated what, so they were really doing it simply out of the goodness of their heart, not to get recognition).
Because, when you get sick, there's a lot of people that want to help but they don't really know what to do. And if they have sick leave they can donate, it feels like a tangible, concrete action that they can make...to show support, to contribute to the cause, to relieve even a small amount of stress. It's no small thing that they do. I mean, what if, god forbid, they get sick and need that leave some day?
I will never be able to repay these people for the gift that they gave me. I strongly believe that being able to stay home and not stress about rushing back to work contributed to the success of my recovery. I could never say "thank you" enough for what they did.
And then you have this jackass who takes advantage of people who are so willing to help. GRRRR!
I sure hope you get what's coming to you dude. You suck.
Showing posts with label back to work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label back to work. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Friday, March 28, 2014
Friday Five
So, I haven't been blogging for a few weeks. Mainly because life has SUCKED and I haven't been in the mood.
TOO. MUCH. DRAMA.
Too many stupid people who just don't get it.
I'm over it all.
But, I thought that I would offer up some insight into my week.
1. Yes, I feel the need to create a drama-free zone, maybe make posters and signs, maybe electronic fencing to keep the stupid at bay. My job/boss/district are just not the healthiest place to be right now. But after this week I've decided that I'm just over it. I'm not getting sucked into the arguments. Time to find a solution without drama or stress.
2. Tamoxifen is making me crazy. No really, I think it is. CRAZY. And it's probably bad that I haven't taken it in a week, right? I know, I KNOW. But I feel slightly more normal without it. And I dread the fact that I really need to start taking it again because it really is helping keep the cancer at bay. But sometimes, in my crazy brain, I do go over the pros and cons of taking it...and sometimes the cons make more sense.
3. I had to schedule my follow-up appointments/scans/blood work this week (for April). Yikes. It's exciting to think that I haven't been into the doctor (except for physical therapy) since December. But it's also scary to wonder, "what if?" This is something that you really never get off your mind after you've been through treatments. What if...
...the scans aren't clean?
...something is wrong?
...the cancer has come back?
There's always that worry that lives in the back of your mind. And it never really goes away. And you hate talking about it because to give it a voice might make it real. It's a constant fear of the unknown.
3a. So, in attempting to schedule these scans, I had an interesting encounter with the secretary who didn't want to make the appointment for me because I "just had a scan a few months ago, and we typically only do these scans once/year so you should be fine until November." Ummmm, NO. That's not actually how it works. Did you see the orders my doctor faxed over requesting this scan? You know, that paperwork sitting right in front of you? Did you become a cancer specialist since the last time I was in that you're giving me medical advice now? Deep. Breath.
4. I wore my "Survivor" t-shirt this week. Even though I feel like I'm jinxing everything by doing so. Damn it, I deserve to wear it. At the very least, I survived the last year and a half of hell and I should get to wear my cool t-shirt! Stupid Cancer!
5. I am desperate to get out of the house. No, not get out and see the world (though I'd like to do that also), actually out of this house...permanently. It actually bothers me to be living in this house where I spent so much time being sick. There are days I don't want to come home, and days I consider running away. I just want to sell it and everything in it...now. And even as much as I love our neighborhood and our amazing neighbors, I can't keep living here and stay sane. Must do something about this soon.
There you have it...not my finest week.
Going for a much more enjoyable week next week...fingers crossed!
TOO. MUCH. DRAMA.
Too many stupid people who just don't get it.
I'm over it all.
But, I thought that I would offer up some insight into my week.
1. Yes, I feel the need to create a drama-free zone, maybe make posters and signs, maybe electronic fencing to keep the stupid at bay. My job/boss/district are just not the healthiest place to be right now. But after this week I've decided that I'm just over it. I'm not getting sucked into the arguments. Time to find a solution without drama or stress.
2. Tamoxifen is making me crazy. No really, I think it is. CRAZY. And it's probably bad that I haven't taken it in a week, right? I know, I KNOW. But I feel slightly more normal without it. And I dread the fact that I really need to start taking it again because it really is helping keep the cancer at bay. But sometimes, in my crazy brain, I do go over the pros and cons of taking it...and sometimes the cons make more sense.
3. I had to schedule my follow-up appointments/scans/blood work this week (for April). Yikes. It's exciting to think that I haven't been into the doctor (except for physical therapy) since December. But it's also scary to wonder, "what if?" This is something that you really never get off your mind after you've been through treatments. What if...
...the scans aren't clean?
...something is wrong?
...the cancer has come back?
There's always that worry that lives in the back of your mind. And it never really goes away. And you hate talking about it because to give it a voice might make it real. It's a constant fear of the unknown.
3a. So, in attempting to schedule these scans, I had an interesting encounter with the secretary who didn't want to make the appointment for me because I "just had a scan a few months ago, and we typically only do these scans once/year so you should be fine until November." Ummmm, NO. That's not actually how it works. Did you see the orders my doctor faxed over requesting this scan? You know, that paperwork sitting right in front of you? Did you become a cancer specialist since the last time I was in that you're giving me medical advice now? Deep. Breath.
4. I wore my "Survivor" t-shirt this week. Even though I feel like I'm jinxing everything by doing so. Damn it, I deserve to wear it. At the very least, I survived the last year and a half of hell and I should get to wear my cool t-shirt! Stupid Cancer!
5. I am desperate to get out of the house. No, not get out and see the world (though I'd like to do that also), actually out of this house...permanently. It actually bothers me to be living in this house where I spent so much time being sick. There are days I don't want to come home, and days I consider running away. I just want to sell it and everything in it...now. And even as much as I love our neighborhood and our amazing neighbors, I can't keep living here and stay sane. Must do something about this soon.
There you have it...not my finest week.
Going for a much more enjoyable week next week...fingers crossed!
Friday, February 7, 2014
Friday Five
The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly this week:
1) I had a panic attack on Monday while teaching a class. It was awesome (NOT!). Real and true panic attack. Thankful for my friend who's class it happened to be and could roll with the punches. Fun times all around folks...
2) Wednesday was the parade celebrating the Seahawks Super Bowl victory. MANY people skipped work and school that day to attend. I had no plans of attending for a variety of reasons: see above mention of panic attack...this crowd of people would likely set off another one; there is no way that I could have stood up that long; it was FREEZING COLD out.
However, the teenage boy wanted to skip school to attend with some friends. Her prepared a very cogent argument on why he should skip school, and even smartly included words/phrases like "life is too short." Good job! Bonus points! Absolutely! Go...have fun...don't freeze to death. Yep, I've become that parent.
3) The Olympics have started! YEAH! Time to spend every waking moment watching sports. Luckily I also read while this is going on, so I get to spend quite a bit of time doing my two favorite things. Now, if only it would motivate me to workout...
4) Will there ever be a time when I am not tired/sore/angry/all of the above? By Friday afternoon I REALLY want to die. And I hate everyone and everything. Keith and I went to a movie and dinner on Friday night and I knew that it was going to be a struggle to stay awake. Luckily, the movie was INCREDIBLE. However, I was SO tired that I was yawning throughout the show. And so very stiff and sore sitting in the seat for that long, after working all week (and being on my feet all day Friday). Watching me get out of that seat after the movie was over was a sight to behold I'm sure.
5) Cancer is really isolating. For a lot of reasons. And I won't spend the time right now waxing poetic on the how and why, but this week I really felt the ramifications of being so sick for so long. It's really hard to get back out into the world.
Another bonus one:
6) Tuesday was World Cancer Day. Thanks to all of you that turned your Facebook/Twitter profiles purple in honor of Cancer Survivors! It was great to see so much purple! And feel the support!
1) I had a panic attack on Monday while teaching a class. It was awesome (NOT!). Real and true panic attack. Thankful for my friend who's class it happened to be and could roll with the punches. Fun times all around folks...
2) Wednesday was the parade celebrating the Seahawks Super Bowl victory. MANY people skipped work and school that day to attend. I had no plans of attending for a variety of reasons: see above mention of panic attack...this crowd of people would likely set off another one; there is no way that I could have stood up that long; it was FREEZING COLD out.
However, the teenage boy wanted to skip school to attend with some friends. Her prepared a very cogent argument on why he should skip school, and even smartly included words/phrases like "life is too short." Good job! Bonus points! Absolutely! Go...have fun...don't freeze to death. Yep, I've become that parent.
3) The Olympics have started! YEAH! Time to spend every waking moment watching sports. Luckily I also read while this is going on, so I get to spend quite a bit of time doing my two favorite things. Now, if only it would motivate me to workout...
4) Will there ever be a time when I am not tired/sore/angry/all of the above? By Friday afternoon I REALLY want to die. And I hate everyone and everything. Keith and I went to a movie and dinner on Friday night and I knew that it was going to be a struggle to stay awake. Luckily, the movie was INCREDIBLE. However, I was SO tired that I was yawning throughout the show. And so very stiff and sore sitting in the seat for that long, after working all week (and being on my feet all day Friday). Watching me get out of that seat after the movie was over was a sight to behold I'm sure.
5) Cancer is really isolating. For a lot of reasons. And I won't spend the time right now waxing poetic on the how and why, but this week I really felt the ramifications of being so sick for so long. It's really hard to get back out into the world.
Another bonus one:
6) Tuesday was World Cancer Day. Thanks to all of you that turned your Facebook/Twitter profiles purple in honor of Cancer Survivors! It was great to see so much purple! And feel the support!
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Friday Five...a Day Late...
Whoops! This is a day late to actually be a true Friday Five, but we can all pretend, right?
1. First and foremost, I signed up/created a team for the Relay for Life event happening here in June! Team Stupid Cancer...here we come! What is Relay for Life?
"At Relay For Life events, communities come together to honor cancer survivors, remember loved ones lost, and fight back. Relay For Life teams camp out overnight and take turns walking or running around a track at a local high school. Events are up to 24 hours long, and because cancer never sleeps, each team is asked to have at least one participant on the track at all times."
I am excited to participate in this event for many reasons:
2. Naps are a part of my life. I could not survive without them. My week looked like this:
Monday: holiday...attempt to clean house...ha, ha, ha, that's funny since it's possible all I did was sit on my ass;
Tuesday: Work 1/2 day, physical therapy;
Wednesday: Work, meetings, plotting world domination through making reading fun, 4 HOUR NAP;
Thursday: Had to take a sick day because I could not move. Not exaggerating AT ALL. More physical therapy, where she mentioned that working full-time is obviously a horrible idea and I should consider going to half-time. Yes honey, I've actually thought about that, trust me. Now, if only I could actually afford to do that.
Friday: Worked all day, came home and took another nap. Wild and crazy week for me!
3. Katy Perry is coming to town and I got tickets. The story about how I finally got a hold of the presale tickets is HILARIOUS, but I did it. I can't explain how much I need to go see this concert, but Katy's music has really gotten me through some DARK times this past year, and I need to be there in person to celebrate! Now, who's coming with me???
4. My brain still does not function like it used to and the only way that I can survive at work is to write a sticky note every time I think of something I need to do/want to do/have to remember/book title/instructions from someone. My desk is currently COVERED with them. Again, not an exaggeration. There's at least 25 of them on there right now. A friend came into my office on Friday and started laughing about this organizational system I have going...it really is a sight to behold.
5. Because I forgot to post the Friday Five on Friday, I can actually show you the family pictures we had taken today rather than just mention that we are going to get them done. A friend volunteered her services back when I was finishing up treatments, and I decided to wait until after Hawaii so that we might all look like we hadn't really holed up inside our house for the past year. It was FREEZING this morning...and EARLY. But it was beautiful out. And she captured some AMAZING shots. I am so grateful for this experience and these images. I know that I say it all the time now and you don't believe me, but life is too short, so you really need to get these things done folks. Take the trips, cross the things off your bucket list, and get some photos taken of you and your family. And I know that my kids wanted to die because it was "so early on a Saturday" but they had a good time (teenage boy even said, "it was actually kinda fun...not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be"), but I hope that some day they appreciate these photos. I wish I had more of my brother and I together...from when we were kids and today. (But since we both hate being in pictures, that probably explains it. I'm sure my mother just gave up). So thank you Heidi (Heidi King Photography) for your beautiful photos which we will truly treasure. (And she doesn't know I'm plugging her services on the blog, so please don't think she's paying me to promote her).
Here are a couple of the great images:
1. First and foremost, I signed up/created a team for the Relay for Life event happening here in June! Team Stupid Cancer...here we come! What is Relay for Life?
"At Relay For Life events, communities come together to honor cancer survivors, remember loved ones lost, and fight back. Relay For Life teams camp out overnight and take turns walking or running around a track at a local high school. Events are up to 24 hours long, and because cancer never sleeps, each team is asked to have at least one participant on the track at all times."
I am excited to participate in this event for many reasons:
- Funds raised benefit the American Cancer Society and benefits people fighting all types of cancers.
- This is a great participatory/community building event...and doesn't require quite the commitment of a 3Day (which I totally want to do again some day...just not now).
- I am hoping some of my local cancer peeps will join me in walking the "survivors lap."
- I am hoping you will join my team! Click here to join! Want to find out more? Click on the event's "Learn About Relay" page here.
2. Naps are a part of my life. I could not survive without them. My week looked like this:
Monday: holiday...attempt to clean house...ha, ha, ha, that's funny since it's possible all I did was sit on my ass;
Tuesday: Work 1/2 day, physical therapy;
Wednesday: Work, meetings, plotting world domination through making reading fun, 4 HOUR NAP;
Thursday: Had to take a sick day because I could not move. Not exaggerating AT ALL. More physical therapy, where she mentioned that working full-time is obviously a horrible idea and I should consider going to half-time. Yes honey, I've actually thought about that, trust me. Now, if only I could actually afford to do that.
Friday: Worked all day, came home and took another nap. Wild and crazy week for me!
3. Katy Perry is coming to town and I got tickets. The story about how I finally got a hold of the presale tickets is HILARIOUS, but I did it. I can't explain how much I need to go see this concert, but Katy's music has really gotten me through some DARK times this past year, and I need to be there in person to celebrate! Now, who's coming with me???
4. My brain still does not function like it used to and the only way that I can survive at work is to write a sticky note every time I think of something I need to do/want to do/have to remember/book title/instructions from someone. My desk is currently COVERED with them. Again, not an exaggeration. There's at least 25 of them on there right now. A friend came into my office on Friday and started laughing about this organizational system I have going...it really is a sight to behold.
5. Because I forgot to post the Friday Five on Friday, I can actually show you the family pictures we had taken today rather than just mention that we are going to get them done. A friend volunteered her services back when I was finishing up treatments, and I decided to wait until after Hawaii so that we might all look like we hadn't really holed up inside our house for the past year. It was FREEZING this morning...and EARLY. But it was beautiful out. And she captured some AMAZING shots. I am so grateful for this experience and these images. I know that I say it all the time now and you don't believe me, but life is too short, so you really need to get these things done folks. Take the trips, cross the things off your bucket list, and get some photos taken of you and your family. And I know that my kids wanted to die because it was "so early on a Saturday" but they had a good time (teenage boy even said, "it was actually kinda fun...not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be"), but I hope that some day they appreciate these photos. I wish I had more of my brother and I together...from when we were kids and today. (But since we both hate being in pictures, that probably explains it. I'm sure my mother just gave up). So thank you Heidi (Heidi King Photography) for your beautiful photos which we will truly treasure. (And she doesn't know I'm plugging her services on the blog, so please don't think she's paying me to promote her).
Here are a couple of the great images:
Friday, January 17, 2014
Friday Five
Five things about my week:
1. I went back to work this week. All five days. I am an idiot. I want to die. Surviving on three hour naps many of the days. I actually went in late Thursday because I could not get out of bed. Seriously, I physically could not move. By the time I got home today I hated everyone and everything. I am not a happy camper right now. THANK GOD for a 3 day weekend so I can rest and regroup for next week. Also, I would say that there are maybe 10 people in the building who actually even knew I was there all week, so my plan to hide is working. I will definitely have to continue this next week because I am not ready to be inundated with everything.
2. The most frequently asked question is: How do you feel?
If you asked this question of me today, I would say, EXHAUSTED and HOMICIDAL. But I'm pretty sure what you mean to ask is, in general, how am I doing? So, the answer to that question is, yes, I do look much healthier than I did. (That's mostly thanks to the sunshine in Hawaii and the tiny amount of tan I have. Oh, and my awesome hair). I would say on a day to day basis, not taking into account the lymphedema (see #3), I do feel better than I have in a very long time. On your scale of 10, I am probably a 4, on my scale of 10, I'm probably a 6. I don't ever see a day where I will be a 10 again in my life, but I am making progress and not really concerned that I'm not feeling a 10. I have learned to adjust to the "new normal" (which are actually two words I now hate). I am surviving, and that's what's important. Still very tired all the time though. Please be patient with me.
2a. MAJOR BONUS POINTS to the husband who came home with ice cream bars on Thursday because he somehow sensed I was on the verge of killing people. DEFINITELY helped me keep my sanity. And now I'm remembering that there might be a cupcake Groupon we have to spend. I think I will need those to get through this week.
3. Finally started physical therapy this week for the lymphedema. Which has really gotten bad this week and hurts like crazy right now. Here are all the fun things that I've learned about that:
1. I went back to work this week. All five days. I am an idiot. I want to die. Surviving on three hour naps many of the days. I actually went in late Thursday because I could not get out of bed. Seriously, I physically could not move. By the time I got home today I hated everyone and everything. I am not a happy camper right now. THANK GOD for a 3 day weekend so I can rest and regroup for next week. Also, I would say that there are maybe 10 people in the building who actually even knew I was there all week, so my plan to hide is working. I will definitely have to continue this next week because I am not ready to be inundated with everything.
2. The most frequently asked question is: How do you feel?
If you asked this question of me today, I would say, EXHAUSTED and HOMICIDAL. But I'm pretty sure what you mean to ask is, in general, how am I doing? So, the answer to that question is, yes, I do look much healthier than I did. (That's mostly thanks to the sunshine in Hawaii and the tiny amount of tan I have. Oh, and my awesome hair). I would say on a day to day basis, not taking into account the lymphedema (see #3), I do feel better than I have in a very long time. On your scale of 10, I am probably a 4, on my scale of 10, I'm probably a 6. I don't ever see a day where I will be a 10 again in my life, but I am making progress and not really concerned that I'm not feeling a 10. I have learned to adjust to the "new normal" (which are actually two words I now hate). I am surviving, and that's what's important. Still very tired all the time though. Please be patient with me.
2a. MAJOR BONUS POINTS to the husband who came home with ice cream bars on Thursday because he somehow sensed I was on the verge of killing people. DEFINITELY helped me keep my sanity. And now I'm remembering that there might be a cupcake Groupon we have to spend. I think I will need those to get through this week.
3. Finally started physical therapy this week for the lymphedema. Which has really gotten bad this week and hurts like crazy right now. Here are all the fun things that I've learned about that:
- ALL the times over the past year plus that I've complained about pain in my shoulder, shoulder blade, back, arm, and around my scar can probably all be attributed now to lymphedema that no one recognized before. UGH! I should have started this therapy LONG ago.
- The yoga, push-ups, and many of the things I have been doing lately to get back into shape are actually making it worse. WHOOPS! No more exercises where all your weight is supported by your arms.
- Also, not allowed to lift anything over 8 pounds. WHOOPS #2. I did not even mention all the heavy lifting I have been doing.
- Why did it get worse in Vegas and better in Hawaii? The plane ride to Vegas aggravated it which is why it started 3 days after we landed there. And then irritated again by the plane ride home. It got better in Hawaii (not worse) because I was drinking a TON of water and I was NOT STRESSED. And it got worse 3 days after we arrived home because of the plane ride. And it's possible I'm not drinking nearly enough water here.
- I'm not supposed to be taking long, hot showers. YIKES! How the hell am I supposed to motivate myself to get out of bed now?!?!
- I'm also not supposed to be doing dishes, cleaning bathrooms, or being around anyone or anything that can give me an infection (sickly middle school children??). While this sounds lovely, it is completely impractical so I just nod my head whenever she mentions these things.
4. Very excited for several things which have fallen into place this week. Will keep you guessing for now. The only things that are getting me through right now.
5. Workouts are WAY OFF COURSE right now. Will be fixing this starting tomorrow! Or maybe Sunday. Monday at the latest. HONEST! Clearly I need people to get me moving as I am incapable to getting motivated by myself. So, if you ever want to go walking, HOLLER!
Friday, January 10, 2014
Friday Five
This week's Friday Five:
1. So, the lymphedema that had gotten better in Hawaii started flaring up again on Wednesday. UGH! This is definitely a sign from God, I think, that I need to not live here! I will discuss this at physical therapy next week.
2. I am DREADING going back to work on Monday. Please do not ask what has possessed me to do such a crazy thing. Keith and I have an agreement and part of it involves my going back to work. UGH! I have told almost NO ONE that I will be back in the building so that I can spend at least the first week (or two...or more...) holed up in my office trying to get back into the swing of things. We will see how long it takes the "secret" to get out.
3. We are getting family portraits taken this weekend. For the first time since the girl child was a baby. I might be the only one excited about this prospect. Here is a preview of what we will be wearing. Stay tuned for more pics after the shoot!
1. So, the lymphedema that had gotten better in Hawaii started flaring up again on Wednesday. UGH! This is definitely a sign from God, I think, that I need to not live here! I will discuss this at physical therapy next week.
2. I am DREADING going back to work on Monday. Please do not ask what has possessed me to do such a crazy thing. Keith and I have an agreement and part of it involves my going back to work. UGH! I have told almost NO ONE that I will be back in the building so that I can spend at least the first week (or two...or more...) holed up in my office trying to get back into the swing of things. We will see how long it takes the "secret" to get out.
3. We are getting family portraits taken this weekend. For the first time since the girl child was a baby. I might be the only one excited about this prospect. Here is a preview of what we will be wearing. Stay tuned for more pics after the shoot!
4. The well-intentioned workouts which got off to a rip-roaring start in Hawaii have disappeared. So hard to be back here, and cold, and trying to get back into the swing of school and activities and laundry...blah, blah, blah. Must. Do. Better. Next week, I promise. I should start a countdown ticker until the sprint triathlon I want to do. That should scare me into getting motivated.
5. A whole week without a doctor's appointment. Gosh, what will I do with myself?! Alas, this will be the only week like that. I start physical therapy next week (two times/week) and PTSD therapy the last week of January (who knows how many days/week that will be...hopefully only one). I think my car can definitely drive itself to the hospital now. Will there ever come a time when I won't be having to set alerts on my phone for doctor's appointments?????
Thursday, October 24, 2013
I Feel Like I Have PTSD
Yesterday was further proof that I probably should not be at school because I don't think that I am a functional human being.
In fact, I think I might have PTSD. Now, I know nothing about PTSD, but it would not surprise me to find out that I have some of the same symptoms.
I have been suffering from lots of craziness, because my brain is WRECKED. Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, breakdowns...I've got it all. And have been known to break into TEARS for no real reason at all.
Case in point, yesterday. I am at a staff meeting...really just listening. And then, when I've got the floor to just remind people that they've got about a week until I'm out again for months (another surgery, remember?!) and that they might want to tap into my knowledge base while they can, I sort of lost it. And might have talked about how much I don't really want to ever come back. And there may have been mention of other things I'm not a fan of. And I was trying REALLY HARD not to cry in front of all these people. Please note, these people did NOTHING to me...nothing. It was all my brain.
I managed to make it to my car after the meeting (luckily at the end of the day), and cried the entire way to the grocery store, and while in line at the bank, and the whole way home again. A good 45 minutes of wallowing in how much I don't want to be working. And all the things that suck about my life. Because once I get rolling, there's no turning it off.
Rational or not...that's my life.
And could be why the oncologist said if I don't get therapeutic help soon, I'm kidding myself.
It's hard when everyone around you thinks that you are "back to normal." Your hair comes back, you look relatively healthy, you're done with treatments, so of course you should be back at work and doing all those things that you used to do, right? Not so much. Really need to reevaluate.
Luckily, this weekend I am going to a conference sponsored by the folks at Living Beyond Breast Cancer. Hoping to gain LOTS of information that I can use to try and put myself back together. Will surely be writing posts about the experience next week.
In the meantime, be warned...I can break out into tears without any notice!
In fact, I think I might have PTSD. Now, I know nothing about PTSD, but it would not surprise me to find out that I have some of the same symptoms.
I have been suffering from lots of craziness, because my brain is WRECKED. Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, breakdowns...I've got it all. And have been known to break into TEARS for no real reason at all.
Case in point, yesterday. I am at a staff meeting...really just listening. And then, when I've got the floor to just remind people that they've got about a week until I'm out again for months (another surgery, remember?!) and that they might want to tap into my knowledge base while they can, I sort of lost it. And might have talked about how much I don't really want to ever come back. And there may have been mention of other things I'm not a fan of. And I was trying REALLY HARD not to cry in front of all these people. Please note, these people did NOTHING to me...nothing. It was all my brain.
I managed to make it to my car after the meeting (luckily at the end of the day), and cried the entire way to the grocery store, and while in line at the bank, and the whole way home again. A good 45 minutes of wallowing in how much I don't want to be working. And all the things that suck about my life. Because once I get rolling, there's no turning it off.
Rational or not...that's my life.
And could be why the oncologist said if I don't get therapeutic help soon, I'm kidding myself.
It's hard when everyone around you thinks that you are "back to normal." Your hair comes back, you look relatively healthy, you're done with treatments, so of course you should be back at work and doing all those things that you used to do, right? Not so much. Really need to reevaluate.
Luckily, this weekend I am going to a conference sponsored by the folks at Living Beyond Breast Cancer. Hoping to gain LOTS of information that I can use to try and put myself back together. Will surely be writing posts about the experience next week.
In the meantime, be warned...I can break out into tears without any notice!
Saturday, October 5, 2013
In Other News, I Went Back to Work...
...like an idiot.
Seriously, my brain is clearly not functioning properly when I thought that I could actually do this.
I went back to work on Wednesday and worked the remaining 3 days of the week. And then came home and died. And then today I died a little more.
I told myself that I'd give it 5 full work days and then re-evaluate. Let me just say that after 2 hours, I knew it was a bad idea, but I will give it 5 full days before confirming my initial thoughts...which is that I'm an idiot.
What was fun:
Nothing.
Just kidding.
It was great to see everyone. Or at least everyone that has made their way down to the library to say hello. I have not been venturing too far into the germ-infested building. (I did get a giant goody bag of supplies to keep away germs...so perfect!!!) Plus, I might walk too far and then die and not be able to get back to my desk.
Talking to the kids about books has been fun. I've seen two-thirds of the school this week in the library and had fun talking about good books they might like. Plus, added bonus: giving a lesson to all in keeping one's germs to oneself. Seriously folks, middle school kids carry the plague, I'm sure of it. I'm working on getting spray-misters installed above the door so that they are showered with hand sanitizer every time they walk in the room. There has to be a way for this to work!
What was not fun:
All the things I've realized that I can't do anymore: stand up for any length of time; sit or stand in one position for very long; pick up just about anything; lift my arms above my shoulders; remember anything; and the list goes on and on.
SO. VERY. TIRED. Seriously. I wanted to die. It's possible that I did for a little bit today. I cannot imagine making it 5 days in a row ever again. (I'm beginning to be a little grateful for all these doctor's appointments that are going to break up the month).
I am in way more pain than I have been for awhile. While I expected the tired part (because, let's be honest, when haven't I been tired this past year?!), I'm not sure where this pain is coming from. And it hurts to move...all over...ugh.
I used to joke that I loved my job so much that they would have to throw me out of the building when I got old and they were tired of me. Yeah, that's not gonna be the case any more. I might love my job, and I might even be pretty good at it, but you know what? Entirely new outlook on life now. So many other things on the top of the list.
Seriously, my brain is clearly not functioning properly when I thought that I could actually do this.
I went back to work on Wednesday and worked the remaining 3 days of the week. And then came home and died. And then today I died a little more.
I told myself that I'd give it 5 full work days and then re-evaluate. Let me just say that after 2 hours, I knew it was a bad idea, but I will give it 5 full days before confirming my initial thoughts...which is that I'm an idiot.
What was fun:
Nothing.
Just kidding.
It was great to see everyone. Or at least everyone that has made their way down to the library to say hello. I have not been venturing too far into the germ-infested building. (I did get a giant goody bag of supplies to keep away germs...so perfect!!!) Plus, I might walk too far and then die and not be able to get back to my desk.
Talking to the kids about books has been fun. I've seen two-thirds of the school this week in the library and had fun talking about good books they might like. Plus, added bonus: giving a lesson to all in keeping one's germs to oneself. Seriously folks, middle school kids carry the plague, I'm sure of it. I'm working on getting spray-misters installed above the door so that they are showered with hand sanitizer every time they walk in the room. There has to be a way for this to work!
What was not fun:
All the things I've realized that I can't do anymore: stand up for any length of time; sit or stand in one position for very long; pick up just about anything; lift my arms above my shoulders; remember anything; and the list goes on and on.
SO. VERY. TIRED. Seriously. I wanted to die. It's possible that I did for a little bit today. I cannot imagine making it 5 days in a row ever again. (I'm beginning to be a little grateful for all these doctor's appointments that are going to break up the month).
I am in way more pain than I have been for awhile. While I expected the tired part (because, let's be honest, when haven't I been tired this past year?!), I'm not sure where this pain is coming from. And it hurts to move...all over...ugh.
I used to joke that I loved my job so much that they would have to throw me out of the building when I got old and they were tired of me. Yeah, that's not gonna be the case any more. I might love my job, and I might even be pretty good at it, but you know what? Entirely new outlook on life now. So many other things on the top of the list.
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