Friday Five

So, I haven't been blogging for a few weeks. Mainly because life has SUCKED and I haven't been in the mood. 

TOO. MUCH. DRAMA.

Too many stupid people who just don't get it.

I'm over it all.

But, I thought that I would offer up some insight into my week.

1. Yes, I feel the need to create a drama-free zone, maybe make posters and signs, maybe electronic fencing to keep the stupid at bay. My job/boss/district are just not the healthiest place to be right now. But after this week I've decided that I'm just over it. I'm not getting sucked into the arguments. Time to find a solution without drama or stress.

2. Tamoxifen is making me crazy. No really, I think it is. CRAZY. And it's probably bad that I haven't taken it in a week, right? I know, I KNOW. But I feel slightly more normal without it. And I dread the fact that I really need to start taking it again because it really is helping keep the cancer at bay. But sometimes, in my crazy brain, I do go over the pros and cons of taking it...and sometimes the cons make more sense.

3. I had to schedule my follow-up appointments/scans/blood work this week (for April). Yikes. It's exciting to think that I haven't been into the doctor (except for physical therapy) since December. But it's also scary to wonder, "what if?" This is something that you really never get off your mind after you've been through treatments. What if...
...the scans aren't clean?
...something is wrong?
...the cancer has come back?
There's always that worry that lives in the back of your mind. And it never really goes away. And you hate talking about it because to give it a voice might make it real. It's a constant fear of the unknown.

3a. So, in attempting to schedule these scans, I had an interesting encounter with the secretary who didn't want to make the appointment for me because I "just had a scan a few months ago, and we typically only do these scans once/year so you should be fine until November." Ummmm, NO. That's not actually how it works. Did you see the orders my doctor faxed over requesting this scan? You know, that paperwork sitting right in front of you? Did you become a cancer specialist since the last time I was in that you're giving me medical advice now? Deep. Breath.

4. I wore my "Survivor" t-shirt this week. Even though I feel like I'm jinxing everything by doing so. Damn it, I deserve to wear it. At the very least, I survived the last year and a half of hell and I should get to wear my cool t-shirt! Stupid Cancer!

5. I am desperate to get out of the house. No, not get out and see the world (though I'd like to do that also), actually out of this house...permanently. It actually bothers me to be living in this house where I spent so much time being sick. There are days I don't want to come home, and days I consider running away. I just want to sell it and everything in it...now. And even as much as I love our neighborhood and our amazing neighbors, I can't keep living here and stay sane. Must do something about this soon.

There you have it...not my finest week.

Going for a much more enjoyable week next week...fingers crossed!

In Other News, I Went Back to Work...

...like an idiot.

Seriously, my brain is clearly not functioning properly when I thought that I could actually do this.

I went back to work on Wednesday and worked the remaining 3 days of the week. And then came home and died. And then today I died a little more. 

I told myself that I'd give it 5 full work days and then re-evaluate. Let me just say that after 2 hours, I knew it was a bad idea, but I will give it 5 full days before confirming my initial thoughts...which is that I'm an idiot.

What was fun:
Nothing.

Just kidding. 

It was great to see everyone. Or at least everyone that has made their way down to the library to say hello. I have not been venturing too far into the germ-infested building. (I did get a giant goody bag of supplies to keep away germs...so perfect!!!) Plus, I might walk too far and then die and not be able to get back to my desk. 

Talking to the kids about books has been fun. I've seen two-thirds of the school this week in the library and had fun talking about good books they might like. Plus, added bonus: giving a lesson to all in keeping one's germs to oneself. Seriously folks, middle school kids carry the plague, I'm sure of it. I'm working on getting spray-misters installed above the door so that they are showered with hand sanitizer every time they walk in the room. There has to be a way for this to work!

What was not fun:
All the things I've realized that I can't do anymore: stand up for any length of time; sit or stand in one position for very long; pick up just about anything; lift my arms above my shoulders; remember anything; and the list goes on and on.

SO. VERY. TIRED. Seriously. I wanted to die. It's possible that I did for a little bit today. I cannot imagine making it 5 days in a row ever again. (I'm beginning to be a little grateful for all these doctor's appointments that are going to break up the month).

I am in way more pain than I have been for awhile. While I expected the tired part (because, let's be honest, when haven't I been tired this past year?!), I'm not sure where this pain is coming from. And it hurts to move...all over...ugh.

I used to joke that I loved my job so much that they would have to throw me out of the building when I got old and they were tired of me. Yeah, that's not gonna be the case any more. I might love my job, and I might even be pretty good at it, but you know what? Entirely new outlook on life now. So many other things on the top of the list.

Where I Was One Year Ago...

One year ago today, on the first day of another school year, I was not at school in my library like I normally would be.

Nope, last year I spent the first day of school at the doctor's office for an appointment with a surgeon (who would later become "my" surgeon) to talk about the lumps that were about to take over my world.

Last year on the first day of school, at that first doctor's appointment, I had already had a mammogram and an ultrasound, both of which were inconclusive (soon to be the story of my life). I had told precisely no one about the lumps. Well, that's not entirely true. There were maybe a half dozen people that knew only because I couldn't manufacture a good enough story about why I'd be missing the first day of school on the spur of the moment.

Keith can back me up on this, but during that first appointment with the surgeon, we heard words like:
"can't possibly be cancer..."
"unlikely to be cancer..."
"you're so young..."
"I wouldn't worry..."
"99% sure it's not cancer..."

At the end of the appointment there was no real urgency to get a surgery scheduled to perform that first lumpectomy. I took her next available appointment, which was over one month later.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

Fast forward to today, another first day of school.

Obviously a LOT has changed. My daughter started middle school...not at her home school (mine), but at a choice school she really wanted to attend. My son started his junior year at a new school...one that will give him a fresh start after what we like to call "the year we are going to forget." Both of them are jumping into new adventures at places where they barely know anyone, and I couldn't be more proud of both of them.

And me? I'm still not back at school to start this first day. (Though I did get to spend my morning with one of my favorite Evergreen teachers who recently retired, so it felt a little like being there for both of us). And because of continued treatments, I probably won't be back in the building until October.

And as for what the future holds for all of us? I don't know. I do know that I learned a lot this past year...about myself...my family...what is really important...and what isn't. And that's an entirely different post, so stay tuned. 

But I just wanted to take a minute to mark this "milestone." And send out good wishes for the start of a new, and hopefully better, year for all of us.

Chemo vs Field Trip...Tough Call

Today is Chemo, Week 17. And it's also the day of the "best field trip" of 5th grade: Marine Science Afloat. Since I obviously have to be at chemo (and I don't do ANYTHING related to boats and/or water), Keith volunteered to chaperone this one. 

Yay for the friend who volunteered to come with me (read: chauffeur me) to chemo. And she bought me lunch. And she got to experience the mind-numbing boredom that is sitting at chemo. Yes, that is a good friend!

I do want it noted that I actually got the better end of the deal this Friday. It is COLD and WINDY out on the water and the kids are dropping like flies (puking up a storm) on this field trip. A car full of giggly 5th grade girls, plus choppy water, plus boat ride, plus the smell of vomit everywhere? Sounds like an awesome time--NOT! 

In this battle of Chemo vs. Field Trip, chemo definitely wins.

Though there is a great picture of Keith and another friend pretending to be "king of the world" a la Titanic. Hilarious!

My Katy Perry Wig and I Make The Paper

Why yes, that is me rockin' my Katy Perry wig in the local paper! You have to check out the article from the most recent Redmond Reporter! Yes, it's my photo, but it also highlights some pretty amazing people and how they're helping out during this whole process. Great article!!

And if you get a hard copy of the actual paper could you save it for me? Thanks!

Back to Work...Otherwise Known as Stupid Ideas that I've Had

Since I didn't really have anything going on until Friday (when I have yet another surgery...stay tuned for details), I decided to go back to work this week. I was thinking it would be good to actually get out of the house, get some things done, see some friends, and continue pretending to be normal for just a little while longer. Well, that and try to salvage a sick day or two where I can.

Clearly I am on crack! What was I thinking?! :)

First, don't get me wrong, it is great to see all my Evergreen family and be back in the building. However, it has made me realize it's time to stop pretending I'm normal. (Let me take that back...I'm not actually normal anyway. I am slightly crazy on a good day, so maybe normal isn't the word to be using. Let's go with healthy). 

The school day starts WAY too early. Now, this is not new information to me. I didn't like getting up at 6:30am on a good day, but I really don't like it now. I am tired all the time, and was starting to notice this need for naps while in Vegas last week. I have unfortunately gotten used to a weird sleep schedule that involves lots of naps during the day and not sleeping much at night. Yeah, that might have something to do with it. Going to bed at 2am and getting up at 5:45am to wake up the teenager isn't really helping either. Standing on my feet all day, being nice to middle schoolers, dealing with the craziness that is the day to day life of anyone who works in a school...it's exhausting!

Two days down, two days to go this week...I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. Or, as Dory says, "Just keep swimming."

A Random Happy Moment

Don't get me wrong, there have been happy, and even funny, moments along the way. But this one was something that actually got me through a bad day. On Thursday, on my way to meet with the chemo doc, I had to stop by the school to drop some stuff off. Outside the school, one of my favorite students came running over to say "hi." She gave me a hug and asked me how I was. (And yes, Mr. School District Lawyer, I think the hug was appropriate to the situation). I couldn't really tell her the truth, because to be honest I was feeling pretty horrible about the impending doctor appointment. 

She said that she missed seeing me at school, and told me that I looked pretty good. Having known her for years, I know she is a sweet girl who truly meant what she said, and wasn't just saying it as something canned the way many of us adults do. It made me smile and I really appreciated that she took a small moment of time to stop and say "hi." 

And it also made me laugh to myself just a little because if she thought I looked pretty good in the state I was in, what did she think I looked like on a daily basis at school? Is this how I normally looked? Are these middle school kids taking a toll on me? Note to self: check bathroom mirror for accuracy...