The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly this week:
1) I had a panic attack on Monday while teaching a class. It was awesome (NOT!). Real and true panic attack. Thankful for my friend who's class it happened to be and could roll with the punches. Fun times all around folks...
2) Wednesday was the parade celebrating the Seahawks Super Bowl victory. MANY people skipped work and school that day to attend. I had no plans of attending for a variety of reasons: see above mention of panic attack...this crowd of people would likely set off another one; there is no way that I could have stood up that long; it was FREEZING COLD out.
However, the teenage boy wanted to skip school to attend with some friends. Her prepared a very cogent argument on why he should skip school, and even smartly included words/phrases like "life is too short." Good job! Bonus points! Absolutely! Go...have fun...don't freeze to death. Yep, I've become that parent.
3) The Olympics have started! YEAH! Time to spend every waking moment watching sports. Luckily I also read while this is going on, so I get to spend quite a bit of time doing my two favorite things. Now, if only it would motivate me to workout...
4) Will there ever be a time when I am not tired/sore/angry/all of the above? By Friday afternoon I REALLY want to die. And I hate everyone and everything. Keith and I went to a movie and dinner on Friday night and I knew that it was going to be a struggle to stay awake. Luckily, the movie was INCREDIBLE. However, I was SO tired that I was yawning throughout the show. And so very stiff and sore sitting in the seat for that long, after working all week (and being on my feet all day Friday). Watching me get out of that seat after the movie was over was a sight to behold I'm sure.
5) Cancer is really isolating. For a lot of reasons. And I won't spend the time right now waxing poetic on the how and why, but this week I really felt the ramifications of being so sick for so long. It's really hard to get back out into the world.
Another bonus one:
6) Tuesday was World Cancer Day. Thanks to all of you that turned your Facebook/Twitter profiles purple in honor of Cancer Survivors! It was great to see so much purple! And feel the support!
Showing posts with label panic attacks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label panic attacks. Show all posts
Friday, February 7, 2014
Thursday, October 24, 2013
I Feel Like I Have PTSD
Yesterday was further proof that I probably should not be at school because I don't think that I am a functional human being.
In fact, I think I might have PTSD. Now, I know nothing about PTSD, but it would not surprise me to find out that I have some of the same symptoms.
I have been suffering from lots of craziness, because my brain is WRECKED. Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, breakdowns...I've got it all. And have been known to break into TEARS for no real reason at all.
Case in point, yesterday. I am at a staff meeting...really just listening. And then, when I've got the floor to just remind people that they've got about a week until I'm out again for months (another surgery, remember?!) and that they might want to tap into my knowledge base while they can, I sort of lost it. And might have talked about how much I don't really want to ever come back. And there may have been mention of other things I'm not a fan of. And I was trying REALLY HARD not to cry in front of all these people. Please note, these people did NOTHING to me...nothing. It was all my brain.
I managed to make it to my car after the meeting (luckily at the end of the day), and cried the entire way to the grocery store, and while in line at the bank, and the whole way home again. A good 45 minutes of wallowing in how much I don't want to be working. And all the things that suck about my life. Because once I get rolling, there's no turning it off.
Rational or not...that's my life.
And could be why the oncologist said if I don't get therapeutic help soon, I'm kidding myself.
It's hard when everyone around you thinks that you are "back to normal." Your hair comes back, you look relatively healthy, you're done with treatments, so of course you should be back at work and doing all those things that you used to do, right? Not so much. Really need to reevaluate.
Luckily, this weekend I am going to a conference sponsored by the folks at Living Beyond Breast Cancer. Hoping to gain LOTS of information that I can use to try and put myself back together. Will surely be writing posts about the experience next week.
In the meantime, be warned...I can break out into tears without any notice!
In fact, I think I might have PTSD. Now, I know nothing about PTSD, but it would not surprise me to find out that I have some of the same symptoms.
I have been suffering from lots of craziness, because my brain is WRECKED. Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, breakdowns...I've got it all. And have been known to break into TEARS for no real reason at all.
Case in point, yesterday. I am at a staff meeting...really just listening. And then, when I've got the floor to just remind people that they've got about a week until I'm out again for months (another surgery, remember?!) and that they might want to tap into my knowledge base while they can, I sort of lost it. And might have talked about how much I don't really want to ever come back. And there may have been mention of other things I'm not a fan of. And I was trying REALLY HARD not to cry in front of all these people. Please note, these people did NOTHING to me...nothing. It was all my brain.
I managed to make it to my car after the meeting (luckily at the end of the day), and cried the entire way to the grocery store, and while in line at the bank, and the whole way home again. A good 45 minutes of wallowing in how much I don't want to be working. And all the things that suck about my life. Because once I get rolling, there's no turning it off.
Rational or not...that's my life.
And could be why the oncologist said if I don't get therapeutic help soon, I'm kidding myself.
It's hard when everyone around you thinks that you are "back to normal." Your hair comes back, you look relatively healthy, you're done with treatments, so of course you should be back at work and doing all those things that you used to do, right? Not so much. Really need to reevaluate.
Luckily, this weekend I am going to a conference sponsored by the folks at Living Beyond Breast Cancer. Hoping to gain LOTS of information that I can use to try and put myself back together. Will surely be writing posts about the experience next week.
In the meantime, be warned...I can break out into tears without any notice!
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