Cancer-versary #9

I am sitting here on the lanai, looking at the ocean (well, at least where the ocean would be if the vog wasn't so bad today) and drinking coffee at noon on a Saturday because I've become the person that is cold in Hawaii in October if there's a breeze. I know, it's a tough life. 

And part of me wonders how exactly I got here. Not just HERE: happy in Hawaii, my kids grown and flown and making their mark on the world, the most adorable grandson EVER. But also, how am I here on the 9th anniversary of my cancer diagnosis?

Nine years. Wow. What a journey it has been. You can scroll down and read my past Cancer-versary posts to see updates over the years... please read the last two for sure if you have the time. 

Sometimes I wonder why I keep writing these posts... why I even keep this blog "live." And then, last week at work, a co-worker came up to me and said, "I found your blog." And except for our mutual adoration of all things Hamilton, I did not know that her and I had been through the same journey. And in the past year or so, 4 friends have been diagnosed with cancer. And it makes me angry that any of you have to go through this. But, I am so glad that I am here for you. That you call me. And so, I keep writing.

Today is about realizing that I wouldn't change anything about how I got here.  There's a lot of unknowns in my life as I sit here today... when am I finally going to take that sabbatical and write the book? Will I ever not feel broken? What advice could I possible add to the list this year?

But I do know this: life is too short my friends. It really is.

Don't wait for "some day." You should be LIVING life...to the fullest...EVERY DAY. Always. Most days you can find me enjoying the view from my lanai, or my ass parked on a beach for sunset. Because it makes me happy. 

Without further ado, thank you for indulging a girl her annual TED Talk:

Advice from 2013:
Be happy. 

Say I love you. 

Be thankful. 

Don't take anything, or ANYONE, for granted. 

Do what you love. 

Don't wait for "someday." 

Oh, and eat dessert first.

Edited in 2015 to add:

Go because you can. TAKE THE DAMN TRIPS

Because why not?! (Make this your mantra!)

WEAR SUNSCREEN!

Edited in 2019 to add:

Get all the tattoos.

Watch ALL the sunsets.

Edited in 2020 to add:

Re-connect with your people. Take the time, have the conversations, enjoy the laughter.

See the shows, watch the concerts, go to the games.

Don't accept BULLSHIT. 

And it bears repeating: FIND THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE YOU LAUGH. And who love you unconditionally. 

Edited in 2021 to add...

As you know, Pink songs have helped me through a LOT over the years. But this one? Damn, I don't think a song has ever spoken to me so much. And so maybe that's the advice I'll add this year:

"Stay unfiltered and loud.
Be proud of that skin full of scars." I wouldn't trade mine for the world. 

And so, my friends, please take a moment and raise a glass, eat the cupcake, read the book, and chase the sunset. Do it for me, but do it for YOURSELF. I'll leave you with this quote, which finally became a tattoo this past year: 

"Don't be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to life forever, you just have to live." --Natalie Babbitt, Tuck Everlasting

Welcome to my TED Talk

Earlier this year I was asked if I ever talk to groups of people about my cancer story like I do about books. And I’m not gonna lie, it got me thinking. Over the years, so many of you have asked for THE BOOK, but now I wonder if TED Talk isn’t a better goal? Or both? I’m not entirely sure but it does make me think...

But then I’m also the person, here on Cancer-versary #8, realizing that I am not exceptional. I’ve lost several friends to cancer in the last few years, and I think, why did I survive? Who could possibly want to hear my story? Honestly, I’m just an incredibly lucky girl who went through hell and came out the other side.

And I don’t like to say cancer changed me, but it did change how I view the world. And it taught me about what is important... and what is NOT. And every year I offer you some of my hard-fought wisdom, so I hope that you will indulge a girl a few moments of reflection.

Looking back on this blog, which I think I will likely only update annually, you should really read last year’s post. It’s admittedly long, but contains a lot of good updates, information, and even explains “cancer-versary.” But I will say a few additional things today... 

1) I say it every year, but today I always think about several people in my life. The ones that donated all the sick leave so that I could stay home for almost an entire school year. I will never be able to repay that kindness. And I will always know that not having to stress about work or money or health care made a HUGE difference. You know who you are... I cannot thank you enough. 

2) People ask how I’m doing:

Oh, there are residual things like neuropathy, fucked-up tastebuds, joint issues, osteoporosis... basically things that are annoying and make me feel BROKEN sometimes, but I can deal. I always say that chemo is the gift that keeps on giving. 

I stopped taking any meds a few years ago, which will probably come back to bite me in the ass some day, but whatever. I still drink Diet Coke, which will also probably kill me. Sometimes it’s simply about LIVING the life that is best for you. Risk vs reward and all that. 

On a positive note, this past week I finally hit a weight loss milestone: I am back to what I call my "fighting weight." My pre-cancer/chemo/steroids/menopause weight. I’ve lost 20 pounds since January, which is something I never thought I’d be able to do. It feels pretty fantastic ... one positive side effect of the pandemic I guess.          

3) PSA:  

For those that may not know it, PTSD is a thing, and not just limited to soldiers. I have triggers and it’ll hit me every now and then. And just when you think you’ve finally gotten to a place where you are far removed from the experiences and haven't had an attack in forever, 2 things trigger you at once, and you end up CRYING at school and yelling at people who don’t even know your story. So, yeah, basically good times. And I tell you this not for your sympathy, but simply to say, JUST BE KIND to people. You have no idea how hard I tried to keep it together before having that panic attack because I am NOT typically a crier. But I just had to cry and breathe and walk it off. And the people around me asked what I needed, and then gave me the space to deal. Because I honestly don’t need hugs and sympathy in that situation, I just need to deal with my shit. And they let me. 

PSA #2: don’t be afraid to be vulnerable in front of people. See above.

4) I get so mad we haven't cured this cancer bullshit yet. And I'm not sure "grateful" is the right word here, but I am glad that when people I know are staring down the madness and unknown of a possible diagnosis, that they reach out. DO NOT EVER BE AFRAID TO REACH OUT TO ME. I will always be here for you... even if you just need distraction and sarcasm. 

5) Updates on last year’s post:

I renewed my passport! Even had an awesome solo trip to watch the Tour de France in July booked. But Covid canceled that. No worries... it’ll happen.

I have (hopefully) limited the crazy in my life.

I have found a path to happiness and it feels fantastic! And maybe my new blog?  

This is the point in the post where I copy what I wrote on the first anniversary of my diagnosis. But I’m not going to do that this year, because it’s easy enough to find, especially if you’re going to scroll and read what I wrote last year anyway. But I will copy the advice! 

If you have no other takeaways from my experience I hope you realize that there are no guarantees. We may or may not get a tomorrow, so PLEASE don’t take life for granted. Don’t save anything for a “special occasion.”  

 

 What I want to say most importantly today is that I have learned that life's too short my friends. It really is. And you should be LIVING it...to the fullest...everyday. Always. 

Be happy. 

Say I love you. 

Be thankful. 

Don't take anything, or ANYONE, for granted. 

Do what you love. 

Don't wait for "someday." 

Oh, and eat dessert first.

Edited in 2015 to add:

Go because you can. TAKE THE DAMN TRIPS (okay, that might have to wait now, but someday...)

Because why not?! (Make this your mantra like it is mine)

WEAR SUNSCREEN!

Edited in 2019 to add:

Get all the tattoos.

Watch ALL the sunsets.

Edited in 2020 to add:

Re-connect with your people. Take the time, have the conversations, enjoy the laughter.

See the shows, watch the concerts, go to the games (again, someday and hopefully ASAP).

Don't accept BULLSHIT. 

And it bears repeating: FIND THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE YOU LAUGH. And who love you unconditionally. 

And so, my friends, please take this day and raise a glass, eat the cupcake, read the book, and chase the sunset. Do it for me, but do it for YOURSELF. I'll leave you with this quote, which is also one of my next tattoos: 

"Don't be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to life forever, you just have to live." --Natalie Babbitt, Tuck Everlasting

Musings on Cancer-versary VII

It has been a looooong time since I last posted. In fact, it's been years. I've been keeping up with social media and a lot of my thoughts have gone on Facebook over the years. (My library musings are over on my library blog). But I basically abandoned the story of my cancer journey. 

One of the main reasons I stopped posting here was that someone stole my words to pass them off as her own (fake) journey. I'm guessing to take advantage of the kindness of others. So, I made the decision not to give her any more details to take. (Don't worry, I have faith that karma will come back for her if it hasn't already). 

The other big reason I stopped updating here is, well, eventually life moves on. And you pack up and move to a place where no one knows what you going through treatments looks like, and it just doesn't come up in conversation a lot, and you dare to dream that PERHAPS you have gotten through the worst of it. That you might just make it to that magical "5 Year" mark which some think makes you a "survivor."

And then it happens. That 5-year-post-treatment date that once seemed so elusive comes...and goes. And you kind of can't believe it. I hit that mark this past December and other than pausing to reflect as New Year's 2019 rolled in, I didn't say too much about it to anyone, anywhere.

Now, here I am at Cancerversary #7. SEVEN years since I was first diagnosed. And I find myself with a mess of "notes to self" for future blog posts stored up in my phone. Life has sure been a roller coaster but I still believe those things I typed way back on Cancerversary #1 (copied below for your perusal). Apologies in advance for the LONG post that is about to follow, but there's just so many things that I want to say to "update" that first post.

1) WHAT IS A CANCERVERSARY?
And why would you celebrate it?

If this is your first time reading this blog, Cancerversary is the anniversary of the day I was diagnosed: October 9, 2012. After being told for months, "you're so young, it can't possibly be cancer, "this is the day I got "the call." (Read the copied post below to find out about that day). Every October 9th since then, I try to make it a point to pause and reflect on how my life has changed since the diagnosis. And to celebrate this day as a turning point to living the dream. 

It's always been an interesting day for me because October 9th is also a friend's birthday. And every year when Facebook reminds me of both events all I remember is that day when I found out and thinking how I couldn't tell him because I didn't want to ruin his birthday. Yes, we laugh about the things that go through your head when you hear the "C" word.

2) CONNECTING WITH THE PEOPLE WHO KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH.

I know that I've shared my story, sometimes in great detail (hence someone being able to steal my posts). I also had a platoon of people taking care of me. PLEASE know that I am NOT saying that you can't empathize with or understand all the things that I'm saying unless you've stared down a cancer diagnosis. But...it's a little bit true. For me, there's strength in connecting with others that have been through the clusterfuck that is cancer. For being able to raise a glass at a reunion with a fellow survivor and you just don't need to say anything because you both know it means, "you understand the bullshit that got us here."  For sharing a hug with another survivor that means "you're here...I'm here..." For sitting with a friend who's been through it all too and you can say, "I hate the meds. I stopped taking them. I don't care." And they GET IT. There's no judgement.

I have a great group of family and friends that supported me through the worst of it, and still do. They are my PEOPLE and I love them. But there are just those people in the group who I will always connect with on a totally different level. I mean, I wish we weren't all in the same club, but it helps to know that they've got your back always. Because FUCK CANCER.

3) THE PEOPLE YOU CAN NEVER REPAY.

There are several people in my life that I always think about on this day, and know that I can never repay them. These are the people that donated SO MUCH SICK LEAVE so that I could stay home for basically an entire school year and focus on healing. There will never be enough words to thank them. You know who you are. 

4) CANCER SUCKS.

Thanks Captain Obvious. But what I really mean is, why the FUCK is this still impacting people we know and love? While I know many of you have battled cancer before me, after me, or are currently in the fight, and you know I LOVE YOU ALL, these are the people specifically on my mind today:
- the VERY first person I told about my diagnosis is currently battling cancer. 
- a former student who is the same age as my own kid was diagnosed a few years ago.
- the one person whose journey I clung to with hope, believing "if they can survive, then I can too" passed away from a recurrence a few years ago and it still hurts.
- a friend who had a blanket made for me (and blessed by her church) for hospital chemo days recently lost her own battle with cancer. I regret being too far away to be as supportive as I could have been; for not digging into storage to find that blanket and send it to her. For thinking that we would have more time. 

5) CANCER SUCKS, part 2.
 
I recently went to my high school reunion. It was great to be there and see the people who knew you when were an awkward, nerdy, teenager with bad 80s hair. But it was loud and chaotic and tough to really sit and talk story with people. But there was one person I got to spend a minute with and I wish I'd said what I really wanted to say, but I was kind of afraid to tear up. We had been friends since 7th grade, but lost touch (except on Facebook) after graduation. And then, when I posted about my diagnosis all those years later, his was one of the first messages of support I received. And it was filled with words like "you're a competitor...a Redmond Mustang through and through...you have friends and prayers coming your way...I know you are tackling this with the same approach I have seen from you many times over." And it just meant so much in the moment. 

When I saw him at the reunion, he gave me a hug and a high 5 and he said, "you did it. You're here." And it means even more now because he gets it. He lost his mother to cancer.   


6) HEALTH CARE BLUES.
Or, what I wouldn't give for a clean scan.
Or, I'd like to get off this roller coaster.

I've been binge-watching Outlander (among other shows) on Netflix and I find myself saying "Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ" quite a bit lately. For anyone that's been playing along on my journey, you know that I have a hate-hate relationship with scans of any kind. I hate them, they never give me a definitive result...I feel like I'm always hoping for a clean scan and end up getting "suspicious" results instead. 

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, when I'm scheduled for my first MRI since hitting that "5 year mark." I could do a whole post on "scan-ticipation". In fact, I probably have. It's stressful to always be thinking, "what if?" Last year's scan was "suspicious" but not "concerning." (ALSO, I HATE ALL THESE WORDS AND DOCTORS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO USE THEM!). This year's scan was actually suspicious AND concerning enough to warrant a follow-up ultrasound at my "earliest possible convenience." So, that was an awesome long weekend of worrying. BTW, said ultrasound alleviated some of the concerns but now I'm on a watch-and-see-come-back-in-3-months pattern. I just can't seem to get off this roller coaster.

7) AM I DIFFERENT?

In many ways, I'd like to think that I'm not all that different fundamentally. I feel like I've always spoken my mind, at least to the people that know me. But maybe that's not true. Maybe I have changed. But, I don't care...maybe that's the difference.
I have ZERO time in my life for bullshit.
I'm just gonna walk away from crazy.
Take me or leave me, but this is me.
There are lots of "lessons learned" which you can read below. As I'm typing this, I realize that even I'm not living up to my mantras. I let my passport expire. I haven't done any of the big trips I wanted to do. I have crazy in my life. I'm not happy all the time. But I'm refocusing. Starting with that passport renewal!

And you know what? I can see the ocean from my bedroom. My baby is graduating from high school. And I'm a grandma. So life isn't all bad.


8) THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES!

I hope that if you've read this far you understand that. We may or may not get a tomorrow. Please don't take life for granted. Get the drinks, see the shows, take the trips, re-connect, watch the sunsets, eat the desserts, LOVE YOUR PEOPLE.

9) I AM HERE!

It's not really news that I'm a HUGE fan of Pink. Her songs always get me through whatever crazy is going on in my life. But one song in particular is kind of my new attitude toward life. (Okay, not necessarily word for word, but the overall tone). 

"...I open up my heart
You can love me or not...

...I like whisky on ice, I like sun in my eyes
I wanna burn it all down, so let's start a fire...

...I am here, I am here
I've already seen the bottom so there's nothing to fear..."

10) And finally, for the love of all that is holy, THINK BEFORE YOU PINK! (The other pink...)

I am not a fan of Pink-tober. (Which is also an entire post I'm pretty sure I've already written). If you want to make an actual difference, don't buy all the pink stuff. INSTEAD:

-FUND RESEARCH. Figure out who's actually doing it and make a donation.
-Donate to a friend/family member's GoFundMe or ask how you can help. I have ideas, ask me.
-Participate in a Relay for Life.

When I re-read the post from my first cancerversary, I realize that I will just keep posting that every year, because I still mean all of those words, and everyone still asks what it was like to get THAT phone call. 

I still believe it all. If you aren't doing something that you love, with the people that you love, in a place that you love, WHY THE HELL NOT?! You should be happy! (Note to self...that means you too). 

There is something to celebrate about every day...find it.

And now, as promised, my post from Cancerversary #1, 10/9/13: 

One year ago today I was sitting at my desk after school when my cell phone rang. It was my now-ex-husband, telling me the doctor had called the house looking for me but wouldn't leave a message. (I didn't tell him at that moment, but that was actually the point that I knew it was bad news. When the doctor is trying to track you down IMMEDIATELY, it's really not a good thing). What felt like 5 seconds later, the surgeon was calling me with the news: cancer. And everything else she said after that word was, "blah, blah, blah...cancer...blah, blah, blah, surgery...blah, blah, blah." Seriously, it really was like the Charlie Brown teacher talking. You DO NOT hear anything after the "C" word.

I hung up the phone, sat at my desk for a moment, and then went home. (After telling someone why I wouldn't be at work the next day). I spent maybe 10 minutes trying to decide if I was going to tell my now-ex-husband before or after he got into his GIANT truck and drove to referee a high school soccer game. I should've been nicer, but misery loves company, so I told him. And that was the beginning of our crazy cancer journey.  

I am still dealing with it every day and really not in the frame of mind to wax poetic about my thoughts.

But I have learned a lot in the last year: about myself, friends, family, what is important, what is NOT important...the list goes on. 

What I want to say most importantly today is that I have learned that life's too short my friends. It really is. And you should be LIVING it...to the fullest...everyday. Always. 

Be happy. 

Say I love you. 

Be thankful. 

Don't take anything for granted. 

Do what you love. 

Don't wait for "someday." 

Oh, and eat dessert first.

Edited in 2015 to add:
Go because you can.

Because why not?!

WEAR SUNSCREEN!

Edited in 2019 to add:

Get all the tattoos.

Watch all the sunsets.

"Don't be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to life forever, you just have to live." --Natalie Babbitt, Tuck Everlasting

Cancer-versary III

Today marks my three year Cancerversary. On this day, I try to make it a point to pause and reflect on how my life has changed. And celebrate my diagnosis as a turning point to living the dream. 

I know that I haven't been blogging much. When I sat down to write this, I scrolled through my "draft" posts and noticed that I had many things I intended to say this year...but just never got around to hitting "publish." I know that I really should go back and finish all of them, since this is mostly a way for me to remember everything that I've been through. Lord knows I won't really remember anything on my own (thanks, chemo brain! You are the gift that keeps on giving).

So, I thought I would give you a brief update on where I am at...

In the "life is too short" category, I accepted a new job at a school...drum roll please...in Hawaii. And moved on a moment's notice. All by myself, since no one else in the family could up and leave with two days prep. (But never fear, they will be following me this year). It's been interesting to be the family trailblazer. There are so many posts I could write about this experience. Maybe that'll be my new blog. But I will say that one of the things that I'm discovering is that having to find a new oncologist/cancer center (for follow-ups/labs/scans) was something I didn't give nearly enough consideration to. I'm already not the biggest fan of health care here. Again, a post for another day.

Oh, there was that skin cancer that was found (on my face) in May and surgery that was needed to remove it. 27 stitches later or something crazy like that. YIKES! See what I mean about all these updates I never posted?  

Teenage boy graduated on time in June. Which I'm monumentally proud of. Depression is a constant struggle, but he's made it through this major milestone.

Teenage daughter is enjoying her last year of middle school. She made Relay for Life her birthday party. It was an incredible experience, for all of us. We plan on making that happen each year! She looks forward to moving to Hawaii some days...and some days she doesn't want to go at all. She's a teenage girl, what else do you expect.

We're selling the house that Keith built for us all those years ago when the girl child was a baby. It was the "dream house." But, then...it stopped being the dream. I haven't wanted to live there since I finished treatments. It was the house I was sick in, and I just couldn't live there any more. We decided to live small and follow our new dreams. Or rather, follow the dreams we've always had and then put on hold when "life" got in the way. We thought downsizing was going to be a process that took a year or two. Ha, ha, ha. Best laid plans and all that. 

How will I be celebrating the day? On an adventure with Keith and the teen boy, who have come this week to visit me in Hawaii. I love their zest for life and adventure...and how they force me to follow them (up to a point...I'm not quite as crazy as they are). "Geez mom, we've got this. You can do it." And I love their smiles. And how they make me laugh. As I'm typing this, teen boy and I are watching TV and laughing. At the same jokes. And making our own. Because we are so much alike. And as long as the day also includes cupcakes and shave ice, life will be perfect!

When I read the post from my first cancerversary, I realize that I will just keep posting that every year, because I still mean all of those words, and everyone still asks what it was like to get THAT phone call. 

I'm not sure that there is anything I would add to the "advice" at the end of the post. Except maybe "Wear Sunscreen." I still believe it all. If you aren't doing something that you love, with the people that you love, in a place that you love, WHY THE HELL NOT?! You should be happy! 

There is something to celebrate about every day...find it.

Forget the bucket list. Do the things that you've been meaning to do now! Start checking them off. Nike was on to something with their "Just Do It" slogan. I follow @MonsterandSea on Instagram (who's family has also been affected by cancer), and the motto is #gobecauseyoucan. I know that they intend that to apply to stand up paddleboarding, but it really applies to life. 

Seriously. 

#GOBECAUSEYOUCAN! 

And to that I add my own: #BECAUSEWHYNOT

And now, as promised, my post from 10/9/13: 

One year ago today I was sitting at my desk after school when my cell phone rang. It was my husband, telling me the doctor had called the house looking for me but wouldn't leave a message. (I didn't tell him at that moment, but that was actually the point that I knew it was bad news. When the doctor is trying to track you down IMMEDIATELY, it's really not a good thing). What felt like 5 seconds later, the surgeon was calling me with the news: cancer. And everything else she said after that word was, "blah, blah, blah...cancer...blah, blah, blah, surgery...blah, blah, blah." Seriously, it really was like the Charlie Brown teacher talking. You DO NOT hear anything after the "C" word.

I hung up the phone, sat at my desk for a moment, and then went home. Where I spent maybe 10 minutes trying to decide if I was going to tell Keith before or after he got into his GIANT truck and drove to referee a high school soccer game. I should've been nicer, but misery loves company, so I told him. And that was the beginning of our crazy cancer journey.  

I am still dealing with it every day and really not in the frame of mind to wax poetic about my thoughts.

But I have learned a lot in the last year: about myself, friends, family, what is important, what is NOT important...the list goes on. 

What I want to say most importantly today is that I have learned that life's too short my friends. It really is. And you should be LIVING it...to the fullest...everyday. Always. 

Be happy. 

Say I love you. 

Be thankful. 

Don't take anything for granted. 

Do what you love. 

Don't wait for "someday." 

Oh, and eat dessert first.

In Which I Try Not To Get Angry

This news post filled my Facebook feed yesterday. (Click here).

And made me ANGRY!

Some complete jackass scams his co-workers out of their sick leave by faking cancer.

Okay, there are stories all the time about people who fake cancer. For the attention, the sympathy, the money, I'm not sure what their mental issue is (and clearly they have many), but it always gets me riled up. Even the gal that's been stealing my blog posts and passing them off as her own is apparently faking having cancer and using my words to tell people how "she's" feeling.

Seriously folks, if you want attention, you can have my cancer. Feel free...even for a day. I dare you. 

But this story touched a nerve. And made me especially angry. Because I don't know where I'd be without a shared sick leave option.

I was SO blessed to have amazing coworkers who donated sick leave so that I could stay home throughout treatments, concentrate on getting healthy, and not have to worry about getting a paycheck or losing my insurance. These amazing people made it possible for me to stay home for the equivalent of one entire school year (split up over two years). One of these amazing people simply told me, "however much you need, it's yours. Don't even hesitate to ask." I cry every time I think of the generosity of this man, and all those that were so willing to donate sick leave to me. Large amounts or small, it didn't even matter (in fact, the district would never tell me who donated what, so they were really doing it simply out of the goodness of their heart, not to get recognition).

Because, when you get sick, there's a lot of people that want to help but they don't really know what to do. And if they have sick leave they can donate, it feels like a tangible, concrete action that they can make...to show support, to contribute to the cause, to relieve even a small amount of stress. It's no small thing that they do. I mean, what if, god forbid, they get sick and need that leave some day? 

I will never be able to repay these people for the gift that they gave me. I strongly believe that being able to stay home and not stress about rushing back to work contributed to the success of my recovery. I could never say "thank you" enough for what they did.
And then you have this jackass who takes advantage of people who are so willing to help. GRRRR! 

I sure hope you get what's coming to you dude. You suck.