Cancer-versary #9

I am sitting here on the lanai, looking at the ocean (well, at least where the ocean would be if the vog wasn't so bad today) and drinking coffee at noon on a Saturday because I've become the person that is cold in Hawaii in October if there's a breeze. I know, it's a tough life. 

And part of me wonders how exactly I got here. Not just HERE: happy in Hawaii, my kids grown and flown and making their mark on the world, the most adorable grandson EVER. But also, how am I here on the 9th anniversary of my cancer diagnosis?

Nine years. Wow. What a journey it has been. You can scroll down and read my past Cancer-versary posts to see updates over the years... please read the last two for sure if you have the time. 

Sometimes I wonder why I keep writing these posts... why I even keep this blog "live." And then, last week at work, a co-worker came up to me and said, "I found your blog." And except for our mutual adoration of all things Hamilton, I did not know that her and I had been through the same journey. And in the past year or so, 4 friends have been diagnosed with cancer. And it makes me angry that any of you have to go through this. But, I am so glad that I am here for you. That you call me. And so, I keep writing.

Today is about realizing that I wouldn't change anything about how I got here.  There's a lot of unknowns in my life as I sit here today... when am I finally going to take that sabbatical and write the book? Will I ever not feel broken? What advice could I possible add to the list this year?

But I do know this: life is too short my friends. It really is.

Don't wait for "some day." You should be LIVING life...to the fullest...EVERY DAY. Always. Most days you can find me enjoying the view from my lanai, or my ass parked on a beach for sunset. Because it makes me happy. 

Without further ado, thank you for indulging a girl her annual TED Talk:

Advice from 2013:
Be happy. 

Say I love you. 

Be thankful. 

Don't take anything, or ANYONE, for granted. 

Do what you love. 

Don't wait for "someday." 

Oh, and eat dessert first.

Edited in 2015 to add:

Go because you can. TAKE THE DAMN TRIPS

Because why not?! (Make this your mantra!)

WEAR SUNSCREEN!

Edited in 2019 to add:

Get all the tattoos.

Watch ALL the sunsets.

Edited in 2020 to add:

Re-connect with your people. Take the time, have the conversations, enjoy the laughter.

See the shows, watch the concerts, go to the games.

Don't accept BULLSHIT. 

And it bears repeating: FIND THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE YOU LAUGH. And who love you unconditionally. 

Edited in 2021 to add...

As you know, Pink songs have helped me through a LOT over the years. But this one? Damn, I don't think a song has ever spoken to me so much. And so maybe that's the advice I'll add this year:

"Stay unfiltered and loud.
Be proud of that skin full of scars." I wouldn't trade mine for the world. 

And so, my friends, please take a moment and raise a glass, eat the cupcake, read the book, and chase the sunset. Do it for me, but do it for YOURSELF. I'll leave you with this quote, which finally became a tattoo this past year: 

"Don't be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to life forever, you just have to live." --Natalie Babbitt, Tuck Everlasting

Welcome to my TED Talk

Earlier this year I was asked if I ever talk to groups of people about my cancer story like I do about books. And I’m not gonna lie, it got me thinking. Over the years, so many of you have asked for THE BOOK, but now I wonder if TED Talk isn’t a better goal? Or both? I’m not entirely sure but it does make me think...

But then I’m also the person, here on Cancer-versary #8, realizing that I am not exceptional. I’ve lost several friends to cancer in the last few years, and I think, why did I survive? Who could possibly want to hear my story? Honestly, I’m just an incredibly lucky girl who went through hell and came out the other side.

And I don’t like to say cancer changed me, but it did change how I view the world. And it taught me about what is important... and what is NOT. And every year I offer you some of my hard-fought wisdom, so I hope that you will indulge a girl a few moments of reflection.

Looking back on this blog, which I think I will likely only update annually, you should really read last year’s post. It’s admittedly long, but contains a lot of good updates, information, and even explains “cancer-versary.” But I will say a few additional things today... 

1) I say it every year, but today I always think about several people in my life. The ones that donated all the sick leave so that I could stay home for almost an entire school year. I will never be able to repay that kindness. And I will always know that not having to stress about work or money or health care made a HUGE difference. You know who you are... I cannot thank you enough. 

2) People ask how I’m doing:

Oh, there are residual things like neuropathy, fucked-up tastebuds, joint issues, osteoporosis... basically things that are annoying and make me feel BROKEN sometimes, but I can deal. I always say that chemo is the gift that keeps on giving. 

I stopped taking any meds a few years ago, which will probably come back to bite me in the ass some day, but whatever. I still drink Diet Coke, which will also probably kill me. Sometimes it’s simply about LIVING the life that is best for you. Risk vs reward and all that. 

On a positive note, this past week I finally hit a weight loss milestone: I am back to what I call my "fighting weight." My pre-cancer/chemo/steroids/menopause weight. I’ve lost 20 pounds since January, which is something I never thought I’d be able to do. It feels pretty fantastic ... one positive side effect of the pandemic I guess.          

3) PSA:  

For those that may not know it, PTSD is a thing, and not just limited to soldiers. I have triggers and it’ll hit me every now and then. And just when you think you’ve finally gotten to a place where you are far removed from the experiences and haven't had an attack in forever, 2 things trigger you at once, and you end up CRYING at school and yelling at people who don’t even know your story. So, yeah, basically good times. And I tell you this not for your sympathy, but simply to say, JUST BE KIND to people. You have no idea how hard I tried to keep it together before having that panic attack because I am NOT typically a crier. But I just had to cry and breathe and walk it off. And the people around me asked what I needed, and then gave me the space to deal. Because I honestly don’t need hugs and sympathy in that situation, I just need to deal with my shit. And they let me. 

PSA #2: don’t be afraid to be vulnerable in front of people. See above.

4) I get so mad we haven't cured this cancer bullshit yet. And I'm not sure "grateful" is the right word here, but I am glad that when people I know are staring down the madness and unknown of a possible diagnosis, that they reach out. DO NOT EVER BE AFRAID TO REACH OUT TO ME. I will always be here for you... even if you just need distraction and sarcasm. 

5) Updates on last year’s post:

I renewed my passport! Even had an awesome solo trip to watch the Tour de France in July booked. But Covid canceled that. No worries... it’ll happen.

I have (hopefully) limited the crazy in my life.

I have found a path to happiness and it feels fantastic! And maybe my new blog?  

This is the point in the post where I copy what I wrote on the first anniversary of my diagnosis. But I’m not going to do that this year, because it’s easy enough to find, especially if you’re going to scroll and read what I wrote last year anyway. But I will copy the advice! 

If you have no other takeaways from my experience I hope you realize that there are no guarantees. We may or may not get a tomorrow, so PLEASE don’t take life for granted. Don’t save anything for a “special occasion.”  

 

 What I want to say most importantly today is that I have learned that life's too short my friends. It really is. And you should be LIVING it...to the fullest...everyday. Always. 

Be happy. 

Say I love you. 

Be thankful. 

Don't take anything, or ANYONE, for granted. 

Do what you love. 

Don't wait for "someday." 

Oh, and eat dessert first.

Edited in 2015 to add:

Go because you can. TAKE THE DAMN TRIPS (okay, that might have to wait now, but someday...)

Because why not?! (Make this your mantra like it is mine)

WEAR SUNSCREEN!

Edited in 2019 to add:

Get all the tattoos.

Watch ALL the sunsets.

Edited in 2020 to add:

Re-connect with your people. Take the time, have the conversations, enjoy the laughter.

See the shows, watch the concerts, go to the games (again, someday and hopefully ASAP).

Don't accept BULLSHIT. 

And it bears repeating: FIND THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE YOU LAUGH. And who love you unconditionally. 

And so, my friends, please take this day and raise a glass, eat the cupcake, read the book, and chase the sunset. Do it for me, but do it for YOURSELF. I'll leave you with this quote, which is also one of my next tattoos: 

"Don't be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to life forever, you just have to live." --Natalie Babbitt, Tuck Everlasting

Cancer-versary III

Today marks my three year Cancerversary. On this day, I try to make it a point to pause and reflect on how my life has changed. And celebrate my diagnosis as a turning point to living the dream. 

I know that I haven't been blogging much. When I sat down to write this, I scrolled through my "draft" posts and noticed that I had many things I intended to say this year...but just never got around to hitting "publish." I know that I really should go back and finish all of them, since this is mostly a way for me to remember everything that I've been through. Lord knows I won't really remember anything on my own (thanks, chemo brain! You are the gift that keeps on giving).

So, I thought I would give you a brief update on where I am at...

In the "life is too short" category, I accepted a new job at a school...drum roll please...in Hawaii. And moved on a moment's notice. All by myself, since no one else in the family could up and leave with two days prep. (But never fear, they will be following me this year). It's been interesting to be the family trailblazer. There are so many posts I could write about this experience. Maybe that'll be my new blog. But I will say that one of the things that I'm discovering is that having to find a new oncologist/cancer center (for follow-ups/labs/scans) was something I didn't give nearly enough consideration to. I'm already not the biggest fan of health care here. Again, a post for another day.

Oh, there was that skin cancer that was found (on my face) in May and surgery that was needed to remove it. 27 stitches later or something crazy like that. YIKES! See what I mean about all these updates I never posted?  

Teenage boy graduated on time in June. Which I'm monumentally proud of. Depression is a constant struggle, but he's made it through this major milestone.

Teenage daughter is enjoying her last year of middle school. She made Relay for Life her birthday party. It was an incredible experience, for all of us. We plan on making that happen each year! She looks forward to moving to Hawaii some days...and some days she doesn't want to go at all. She's a teenage girl, what else do you expect.

We're selling the house that Keith built for us all those years ago when the girl child was a baby. It was the "dream house." But, then...it stopped being the dream. I haven't wanted to live there since I finished treatments. It was the house I was sick in, and I just couldn't live there any more. We decided to live small and follow our new dreams. Or rather, follow the dreams we've always had and then put on hold when "life" got in the way. We thought downsizing was going to be a process that took a year or two. Ha, ha, ha. Best laid plans and all that. 

How will I be celebrating the day? On an adventure with Keith and the teen boy, who have come this week to visit me in Hawaii. I love their zest for life and adventure...and how they force me to follow them (up to a point...I'm not quite as crazy as they are). "Geez mom, we've got this. You can do it." And I love their smiles. And how they make me laugh. As I'm typing this, teen boy and I are watching TV and laughing. At the same jokes. And making our own. Because we are so much alike. And as long as the day also includes cupcakes and shave ice, life will be perfect!

When I read the post from my first cancerversary, I realize that I will just keep posting that every year, because I still mean all of those words, and everyone still asks what it was like to get THAT phone call. 

I'm not sure that there is anything I would add to the "advice" at the end of the post. Except maybe "Wear Sunscreen." I still believe it all. If you aren't doing something that you love, with the people that you love, in a place that you love, WHY THE HELL NOT?! You should be happy! 

There is something to celebrate about every day...find it.

Forget the bucket list. Do the things that you've been meaning to do now! Start checking them off. Nike was on to something with their "Just Do It" slogan. I follow @MonsterandSea on Instagram (who's family has also been affected by cancer), and the motto is #gobecauseyoucan. I know that they intend that to apply to stand up paddleboarding, but it really applies to life. 

Seriously. 

#GOBECAUSEYOUCAN! 

And to that I add my own: #BECAUSEWHYNOT

And now, as promised, my post from 10/9/13: 

One year ago today I was sitting at my desk after school when my cell phone rang. It was my husband, telling me the doctor had called the house looking for me but wouldn't leave a message. (I didn't tell him at that moment, but that was actually the point that I knew it was bad news. When the doctor is trying to track you down IMMEDIATELY, it's really not a good thing). What felt like 5 seconds later, the surgeon was calling me with the news: cancer. And everything else she said after that word was, "blah, blah, blah...cancer...blah, blah, blah, surgery...blah, blah, blah." Seriously, it really was like the Charlie Brown teacher talking. You DO NOT hear anything after the "C" word.

I hung up the phone, sat at my desk for a moment, and then went home. Where I spent maybe 10 minutes trying to decide if I was going to tell Keith before or after he got into his GIANT truck and drove to referee a high school soccer game. I should've been nicer, but misery loves company, so I told him. And that was the beginning of our crazy cancer journey.  

I am still dealing with it every day and really not in the frame of mind to wax poetic about my thoughts.

But I have learned a lot in the last year: about myself, friends, family, what is important, what is NOT important...the list goes on. 

What I want to say most importantly today is that I have learned that life's too short my friends. It really is. And you should be LIVING it...to the fullest...everyday. Always. 

Be happy. 

Say I love you. 

Be thankful. 

Don't take anything for granted. 

Do what you love. 

Don't wait for "someday." 

Oh, and eat dessert first.

Cancer-versary II

Today marks my two year Cancerversary. Hey, regardless of what you think about Lance Armstrong, I am still a fan. And it's his outlook about celebrating the day he was diagnosed with cancer as a turning point in his life that resonates just a little with me.

I haven't been blogging much this summer and I apologize for that. It's not that I haven't had anything to say. To tell the truth, I discovered that someone (or maybe more than one someone) is out there passing off my posts as her own story. And it made me angry. And I wanted to take down the blog and not give her the ability to steal anymore of my posts. But just yesterday alone, this blog got 176 hits so it is still doing some good and I am glad that I decided not to take it down. But I've been in radio silence mode. (And yes, I know that I should deal with her, but I just haven't had the time or energy to...it's on my "to do list," honest!).

So, I thought I would give you a brief update on where I am at...

I completed the Iron Girl triathlon this summer!!! Thanks to the help and encouragement and talking me down from the ledge of two very dear friends. This is the post I am most sad not to have written this summer. I promise that I will write all the details about how much FUN it was. And I cried just a little when I finished it and I could hear the announcer/DJ guy say, "Shauna Yusko, you're about to finish your first Iron Girl triathlon. And you're a cancer survivor. WAY TO GO!" I get a little teary now just typing this.

I started a new job. Which I adore. In a school that feels calm and happy. Several people out there know what I'm talking about even if it is a little hard to explain. I desperately miss my Evergreen peeps because I thought that I would be there forever. But the energy of the building was just all wrong for me now. And this new school is great! And I get to work part-time. And it just feels like the right place to be.

Teenage boy is on track to graduate this June, even after his attempts to derail his life. We are turning into the month where it historically all goes wrong for him, so fingers crossed we get out the other side in one piece.  I'm not sure if it's the weather, the subconscious memories of the diagnosis, or what makes him start to spiral in October and not come back out until February, but we are really praying this year will be different. And that we finally have a handle on the beast that is depression.

I found my post from last year's cancervesary and thought I would just copy it here, because I still mean all of those words, and everyone still asks what it was like to get THAT phone call. 

I'm not sure that there is anything I would add to the "advice" at the end of the post. I still believe it all. If you aren't doing something that you love, with the people that you love, in a place that you love, WHY THE HELL NOT?! You should be happy! 

There is something to celebrate about every day...find it.

Forget the bucket list. Do the things that you've been meaning to do now! Start checking them off. I read a life-affirming book this summer called "Blind Spot for Boys" (by the amazing Justina Chen). And while it's a book for teens and the teenage narrator is the main character, it is her parents' journey dealing with illness, and another adult character's overcoming adversity to live her dream that really resonated with me. In it, the parents had created a "50 Before 50" list of things that they wanted to do before turning 50. But they never did because of...life...jobs...kids...everything that gets in the way. And then the dad gets sick and they will never have the time to do those 50 things. So they pick the one big one and go for it. I do not want to be that person with all those things left to do on my list. I'm gonna go for it! And I started this summer with the triathlon. What's on your list? 

As promised, last year's post from this date: 

One year ago today I was sitting at my desk after school when my cell phone rang. It was my husband, telling me the doctor had called the house looking for me but wouldn't leave a message. (I didn't tell him at that moment, but that was actually the point that I knew it was bad news. When the doctor is trying to track you down IMMEDIATELY, it's really not a good thing). What felt like 5 seconds later, the surgeon was calling me with the news: cancer. And everything else she said after that word was, "blah, blah, blah...cancer...blah, blah, blah, surgery...blah, blah, blah." Seriously, it really was like the Charlie Brown teacher talking. You DO NOT hear anything after the "C" word.

I hung up the phone, sat at my desk for a moment, and then went home. Where I spent maybe 10 minutes trying to decide if I was going to tell Keith before or after he got into his GIANT truck and drove to referee a high school soccer game. I should've been nicer, but misery loves company, so I told him. And that was the beginning of our crazy cancer journey.  

I am still dealing with it every day and really not in the frame of mind to wax poetic about my thoughts.

But I have learned a lot in the last year: about myself, friends, family, what is important, what is NOT important...the list goes on. 

What I want to say most importantly today is that I have learned that life's too short my friends. It really is. And you should be LIVING it...to the fullest...everyday. Always. 

Be happy. 

Say I love you. 

Be thankful. 

Don't take anything for granted. 

Do what you love. 

Don't wait for "someday." 

Oh, and eat dessert first.

The Results are In!

It dawned on me today, after being questioned by numerous people at work, that unless you happened to see the post on Facebook over the weekend, you probably didn't know the results of my latest scans and appointments. Whoops! I forgot to post the news here! 

It's been kind of a whirlwind weekend (more on that later), but I wanted to get the word out to all of you that were wondering.

It was a "good news" kind of appointment. Kind of weird actually, because I don't normally have those, but I'm really looking forward to many more of them!

1. Blood work and scans all look good! Well, for the most part. I still need an MRI to confirm these results because several areas not seen by mammogram. (The MRI is not for several weeks though, so stay tuned).

2. Prescription for new meds in hand. These meds still might make me crazy, but at least I'll have a baseline and can compare which med made me the least crazy.

3. Dr. has heard the story of my HORRIBLE experience at the Seattle office through the grapevine and has decided to complain on my behalf in hopes of instituting change for others.

4. Dr. also feels that billing department hasn't been nice to us, and has decided to champion that cause on my behalf also.

5. Reasons why I LOVE my doctors confirmed!

6. We ended the afternoon at a friend's house where we brought lunch in exchange for seeing her twin babies. It was a good day all around!

Doctor did bring up some interesting points, which I am pondering, and may write more about in an upcoming post.

Was the Tamoxifen really making me crazy, or was it that taking it every day was a constant reminder of having cancer? Well, I grant her there might be some credibility to that argument, but I vote CRAZY. Ask anyone, especially anyone forced to live or work with me. CRAZY! And whatever the reason, since I stopped taking it, I'm starting to feel slightly more sane. Will fill the prescription this for the new drug she prescribed and start taking it soon to see if there's a difference. 

She's also concerned that my dire need to not live in my house anymore isn't going to make me better. She called it "bringing your muddy shoes to a new house." Dealing with my issues will make me feel better than moving to a new house. Or at least, that's what she thinks. And to this, I respectfully disagree...until proven otherwise. New house, new car, new life...all of it is about celebrating being alive. Embracing the things that are actually important. Simplifying. Enjoying. Finding a new place in the world where I'm not reminded of being sick. Life's too short...time to start living the dream.

So, that's my news for now. Thank you for all your prayers, support, messages of love...