Yesterday was further proof that I probably should not be at school because I don't think that I am a functional human being.
In fact, I think I might have PTSD. Now, I know nothing about PTSD, but it would not surprise me to find out that I have some of the same symptoms.
I have been suffering from lots of craziness, because my brain is WRECKED. Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, breakdowns...I've got it all. And have been known to break into TEARS for no real reason at all.
Case in point, yesterday. I am at a staff meeting...really just listening. And then, when I've got the floor to just remind people that they've got about a week until I'm out again for months (another surgery, remember?!) and that they might want to tap into my knowledge base while they can, I sort of lost it. And might have talked about how much I don't really want to ever come back. And there may have been mention of other things I'm not a fan of. And I was trying REALLY HARD not to cry in front of all these people. Please note, these people did NOTHING to me...nothing. It was all my brain.
I managed to make it to my car after the meeting (luckily at the end of the day), and cried the entire way to the grocery store, and while in line at the bank, and the whole way home again. A good 45 minutes of wallowing in how much I don't want to be working. And all the things that suck about my life. Because once I get rolling, there's no turning it off.
Rational or not...that's my life.
And could be why the oncologist said if I don't get therapeutic help soon, I'm kidding myself.
It's hard when everyone around you thinks that you are "back to normal." Your hair comes back, you look relatively healthy, you're done with treatments, so of course you should be back at work and doing all those things that you used to do, right? Not so much. Really need to reevaluate.
Luckily, this weekend I am going to a conference sponsored by the folks at Living Beyond Breast Cancer. Hoping to gain LOTS of information that I can use to try and put myself back together. Will surely be writing posts about the experience next week.
In the meantime, be warned...I can break out into tears without any notice!