A Week of Scans...and a Weekend to Wallow

Because I know that you were concerned I might not know what to do with myself without chemo to go to, never fear. The doctors obviously wanted to make sure that I had something to keep me occupied.

I had a scan and/or doctor appointment every day last week...and I only wish that was a joke. I had to have a post-chemo echo (to see how bad they damaged my heart with the chemo), a CT scan (that's the fun one where you get to drink the radioactive sludge), and several follow-up appointments to discuss these scans with the surgeon and the oncologist.

And because that wasn't enough fun, I have two more scans this week (MRI and mammogram), an appointment with a reconstruction surgeon, and ANOTHER meeting with my "regular" surgeon. HOLY CRAP! Have I mentioned that I am beginning to hate being a cancer patient???

I took the weekend to wallow in the sucky-ness (shut up, I don't care if that's not a word) that is my life right now. And how much I didn't like the initial results of my scans.

So, shut up already and tell us the news, right? Here's what the scans show: There are still spots on my liver, and my kidney, and my lung. And the lymph nodes that were "lighting up" initially. AAAAH! Are you KIDDING me?! Now, they are small, and they haven't changed in size, so several doctors have said, "yeah! Good news!" But I say, "WHAT? 20 weeks of chemo and the scans aren't CLEAR? The spots haven't gotten smaller?" I think I'm going back to using "craptastic!"

All I really wanted was some positive result. I've played along all this time and put my body through hell all these weeks and I get "no change?" To say the least, I was really disappointed. And I lost it at the appointment on Friday where we discussed these scans. LOST IT! Like, she had to prescribe me calming meds because I think she thought I was going to leave there and kill someone. Keith wins the prize for betting I wouldn't fill the prescription...I haven't...but I think she felt compelled to mellow me out. Or maybe legally required not to send a crazy person out into the world.

Then I decided to wallow in self pity this weekend because you know what? You just can't have a positive attitude every day. And I felt I was due for a good wallow in how crappy life is sometimes. 

I've come out of that funk now, and am hoping to get through the rest of these scans and appointments and hope for a plan moving forward. Surgery? Radiation? What's next? These are questions that you all want to know and I'm hoping answers are on the horizon.

I appreciate all the thoughts and prayers coming my way. I feel the love and the strength, honest, and I definitely need it.

Stupid. Cancer.