What Not To Do at Surgery...

Surgery on Monday was an adventure. Here are just some of the highlights:

We were required to be there at 6:45am for check-in. I'm not sure that surgery was scheduled until 9am, so this always makes the day even better...because I "love" getting up early. 

For future reference, it is not advisable to do any of the following things that I did:

(1) Because I feel like I'm an "expert" at this whole surgery thing, and this trip to the hospital was for my 5th surgery, I dodged all of their pre-op phone calls asking about my height, weight, allergies, overall health, etc. And where they also give me the "don't eat after midnight" speech. Yeah, whatever. If you don't have all my medical history in front of you by this point, I'm kinda scared for you. And if anything is glaringly absent, I know that I'll be required to answer your questions all over in the morning anyway, so those calls went straight to ignore. (Yes, I've actually memorized which phone number each unit of the hospital calls me from).

(2) When checking in, it's probably a good thing to know which doctor is performing the surgery. Turns out the staff didn't like the "Hmmm, I'm actually not sure" answer. Bonus points to Keith for knowing his name "starts with an I."  

(3) When checking in, part 2...also good to be able to communicate what type of surgery you are having. "I'm just here for the ride" did not go over well as an answer to that question. But did accurately convey my attitude.

(4) They also don't find it funny if you cannot find your insurance card...EVEN THOUGH YOU'VE BEEN TO THE SAME HOSPITAL AT LEAST 300 TIMES IN THE LAST YEAR FOR A VARIETY OF TREATMENTS AND TESTS AND APPOINTMENTS, AND HANDED YOUR CARD TO SOMEONE AT LEAST THAT MANY TIMES, AND YOU DARE TO ASK, "Don't you have it on file???"

I'm pretty sure to pay me back for these outrages, and my laissez faire attitude, karma got me back by way of a nurse who could not put in my IV. Two blown veins (see picture below) and another nurse later, and the third time was the charm. But wow, did that process ever hurt! And took a really long time.

Again, I don't remember much about the process. I'm sure that I was wheeled into the room somewhere around 9am. I have a vague recollection of being put on the coldest pillow of ice ever, but that's about it. I think I woke up in recovery at 10:15am, so maybe that 9am time can't be right. And, quite honestly, I was out the door by 10:45am, pain meds in hand. (At least I do always know to say "no" when asked, "Are you going to be staying overnight?").

How I've felt the past few days? Like I was stabbed in the stomach with a steak knife. Oh wait, I was.

I have three lovely 2 inch scars in my abdomen now...one through my belly button. These feel awesome and make doing anything fun. Did not realize how much I used my core muscles before now, but they sure would come in handy for things like sitting up, standing, coughing...breathing. Teenage boy was making me laugh last night and it hurt so bad. Couldn't yell at him to stop. Or beat him up. And he knows it!

This anesthesiologist decided to stick a tube down my throat while I was under, and I have to say, I think he JABBED it down my throat and RIPPED it back out because I still have a sore throat. Not the gentlest of touches to say the least. 

Another fun feature of the surgery was that they filled my abdomen with gas in order to get around the intestines to all the parts that needed removing. This gas does not all disappear right away. It makes your stomach (which again, feels like it was stabbed with a steak knife) bloated, and causes unusual pains in your shoulder. (Don't ask...I'll explain it to you in person). Super fun! Kinda feels like I just had a baby via C-section.

Tonight is day 3, post-op. I can walk around slowly, but not standing upright; I can roll myself out of bed or into a sitting position, albeit very precariously; coughing, laughing, and taking deep breaths are killing me; and absolutely NO lifting anything.

Doctor said that I would probably be "back to normal" in about a week. That's funny, and considering said doctor is a man I'm kind of not surprised by this attitude. I couldn't even imagine going back to work on Monday. How's a person supposed to put on a seat belt???!!!