Monday, April 21, 2014
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Scan-ticipation is Making Me Wait...
It's that time...the first (of many over the course of the next five years) series of scans/bloodwork/doctor's appointments is coming up.
It has been four months since my last set of scans and appointments, so now it's time for another round. This batch, however, will be the first after an extended period of time without treatment.
I wish I could say that I was clever enough to have come up with "scan-ticipation," but I stole it from one of my cancer peeps. We also use the term "scanxiety." It's a scary thing to always be wondering what the next scan might reveal. And to have to continue to subject yourself to them for YEARS before you can actually get a clean bill of health.
So, while you think positive thoughts and hope for the best, in the back of your mind (or maybe closer to the front) you are always thinking, "what if....???"
In this day and age, I don't really understand why there can't be a test or scan or something I can do that would give the "all clear/thumbs up/no worries." Seriously, so maybe curing cancer is outside the realm of possibility (though I don't understand what's taking so long for that either), but there's got to be some sort of cool machine that I can walk through every morning that tells me, "yes! You're healthy! No more cancer!" You know, kind of like the machine at the airport. You mean to tell me we can't utilize the concept for a better purpose?!
Anyway, these are just rants designed to distract me from how anxious I'm feeling.
If you're reading this post, send out good vibes, positive thoughts, and all kinds of prayers tomorrow. I won't know anything unfortunately until next week when I meet with the doctor, so don't expect immediate news. Bummer.
Fingers crossed...
It has been four months since my last set of scans and appointments, so now it's time for another round. This batch, however, will be the first after an extended period of time without treatment.
I wish I could say that I was clever enough to have come up with "scan-ticipation," but I stole it from one of my cancer peeps. We also use the term "scanxiety." It's a scary thing to always be wondering what the next scan might reveal. And to have to continue to subject yourself to them for YEARS before you can actually get a clean bill of health.
So, while you think positive thoughts and hope for the best, in the back of your mind (or maybe closer to the front) you are always thinking, "what if....???"
In this day and age, I don't really understand why there can't be a test or scan or something I can do that would give the "all clear/thumbs up/no worries." Seriously, so maybe curing cancer is outside the realm of possibility (though I don't understand what's taking so long for that either), but there's got to be some sort of cool machine that I can walk through every morning that tells me, "yes! You're healthy! No more cancer!" You know, kind of like the machine at the airport. You mean to tell me we can't utilize the concept for a better purpose?!
Anyway, these are just rants designed to distract me from how anxious I'm feeling.
If you're reading this post, send out good vibes, positive thoughts, and all kinds of prayers tomorrow. I won't know anything unfortunately until next week when I meet with the doctor, so don't expect immediate news. Bummer.
Fingers crossed...
Monday, April 14, 2014
Music Monday
Have recently fallen in love with this song...
Especially the line..."you're crazy and I'm out of my mind..."
Yep, that about sums it up!
Sunday, April 6, 2014
To my darling daughter...
I know that she doesn't read this blog, but someday I hope that she finds this letter.
Dear AJ,
It has been a tough couple of years in our house, and I'm sorry that you had to go through it. I wanted to say that I'm so immensely proud of how you survived it better than any of us.
I'm sorry that I missed so many of your activities, and that my being sick meant dad couldn't be there either for the field trips, camps, and all the fun that 5th grade and the beginning of middle school had to offer. I hope you know how lucky you are that you have some AMAZING friends and their families who scooped you up, took you in, and made sure that you could do all the things you wanted to these last couple of years. You might not realize it now, but these people took such good care of you. I will never be able to thank them enough for making it so your life could be as normal as possible.
I'm sorry that I am tired...and grumpy...and seem like a crazy person sometimes. I'm trying my best, but it's hard.
I'm sorry that I'm not the same mom I was before cancer. And I'm sorry that things change. But, maybe that's a good thing too.
Thank you for being you. For desperately wanting to take care of me. And for always trying to help. It must be so hard to be the youngest in the family and have everyone tell you, "don't worry about it," when I'm sure that you were worried.
Thank you for sock monkey. Who saved the day more than once. Really and truly...I believe!
Thank you for your kind heart that always wants to solve all the world's problems with cupcakes. I actually think that if given a big enough kitchen, and enough time, you probably could solve many world crises through cupcakes. Baking for all my caregivers was such an amazing gift that you gave people. Don't ever lose that spirit. World domination with baked goods cannot be a bad thing.
Thank you for being worried about everyone in the family, not just me. Yes, it was hard to live with a big brother who was not having his finest moments either, and I'm sure there were times you thought your family was coming apart. Honey, I promise you, I thought the same thing. But we are all hoping for better times ahead.
Thank you for being the child that is ready for change...and is excited for new adventures and experiences. I love that you are the one person in the family that I can make plans about what our life will be like in the next couple of years. I know your mom's crazy ideas for getting rid of everything and going on a life-changing adventure are the most disruptive to you. But I appreciate that you're up for something new and willing to come along for the ride.
You and I are going to write that book someday, and you are going to help so many kids in the same situation. I hope that someday you are able to look back on this time in our lives and realize just how strong you are...and how caring...and how much you make a difference. And what a survivor you are too.
Don't forget:
Always be happy. Always.
Nothing is more important than love.
Live your dreams. And dream big.
Have fun.
Enjoy life.
I love you. Always.
Love,
Mom
Dear AJ,
It has been a tough couple of years in our house, and I'm sorry that you had to go through it. I wanted to say that I'm so immensely proud of how you survived it better than any of us.
I'm sorry that I missed so many of your activities, and that my being sick meant dad couldn't be there either for the field trips, camps, and all the fun that 5th grade and the beginning of middle school had to offer. I hope you know how lucky you are that you have some AMAZING friends and their families who scooped you up, took you in, and made sure that you could do all the things you wanted to these last couple of years. You might not realize it now, but these people took such good care of you. I will never be able to thank them enough for making it so your life could be as normal as possible.
I'm sorry that I am tired...and grumpy...and seem like a crazy person sometimes. I'm trying my best, but it's hard.
I'm sorry that I'm not the same mom I was before cancer. And I'm sorry that things change. But, maybe that's a good thing too.
Thank you for being you. For desperately wanting to take care of me. And for always trying to help. It must be so hard to be the youngest in the family and have everyone tell you, "don't worry about it," when I'm sure that you were worried.
Thank you for sock monkey. Who saved the day more than once. Really and truly...I believe!
Thank you for your kind heart that always wants to solve all the world's problems with cupcakes. I actually think that if given a big enough kitchen, and enough time, you probably could solve many world crises through cupcakes. Baking for all my caregivers was such an amazing gift that you gave people. Don't ever lose that spirit. World domination with baked goods cannot be a bad thing.
Thank you for being worried about everyone in the family, not just me. Yes, it was hard to live with a big brother who was not having his finest moments either, and I'm sure there were times you thought your family was coming apart. Honey, I promise you, I thought the same thing. But we are all hoping for better times ahead.
Thank you for being the child that is ready for change...and is excited for new adventures and experiences. I love that you are the one person in the family that I can make plans about what our life will be like in the next couple of years. I know your mom's crazy ideas for getting rid of everything and going on a life-changing adventure are the most disruptive to you. But I appreciate that you're up for something new and willing to come along for the ride.
You and I are going to write that book someday, and you are going to help so many kids in the same situation. I hope that someday you are able to look back on this time in our lives and realize just how strong you are...and how caring...and how much you make a difference. And what a survivor you are too.
Don't forget:
Always be happy. Always.
Nothing is more important than love.
Live your dreams. And dream big.
Have fun.
Enjoy life.
I love you. Always.
Love,
Mom
Friday, April 4, 2014
Relay for Life
I'm really and truly doing this, folks. And it's getting closer and closer. So, if you've ever thought about joining, NOW is the time!
Here's the link to join my team. Contact me with any questions that you have.
Fundraising is minimal...they ask that you raise $100 or more, but not a requirement. The registration fee is only $10.
Yes, it is an overnight event. But you don't have to be there the entire time. Or even walking the entire time. The goal is for every team to have someone (or more than one person) on the track every hour of the event. But the entire team doesn't have to be out there at once.
Yes, some of the teams are going to be wild and crazy and probably have costumes and who knows what else. I don't actually see us being that, but you are more than welcome to help us find our slightly crazy side.
It's supposed to be a fun event, that brings the community together, to raise funds for the American Cancer Society. Cancer survivors take the first lap, and it's a pretty cool experience. JOIN ME!
Here's the link to join my team. Contact me with any questions that you have.
Fundraising is minimal...they ask that you raise $100 or more, but not a requirement. The registration fee is only $10.
Yes, it is an overnight event. But you don't have to be there the entire time. Or even walking the entire time. The goal is for every team to have someone (or more than one person) on the track every hour of the event. But the entire team doesn't have to be out there at once.
Yes, some of the teams are going to be wild and crazy and probably have costumes and who knows what else. I don't actually see us being that, but you are more than welcome to help us find our slightly crazy side.
It's supposed to be a fun event, that brings the community together, to raise funds for the American Cancer Society. Cancer survivors take the first lap, and it's a pretty cool experience. JOIN ME!
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