Welcome to my TED Talk

Earlier this year I was asked if I ever talk to groups of people about my cancer story like I do about books. And I’m not gonna lie, it got me thinking. Over the years, so many of you have asked for THE BOOK, but now I wonder if TED Talk isn’t a better goal? Or both? I’m not entirely sure but it does make me think...

But then I’m also the person, here on Cancer-versary #8, realizing that I am not exceptional. I’ve lost several friends to cancer in the last few years, and I think, why did I survive? Who could possibly want to hear my story? Honestly, I’m just an incredibly lucky girl who went through hell and came out the other side.

And I don’t like to say cancer changed me, but it did change how I view the world. And it taught me about what is important... and what is NOT. And every year I offer you some of my hard-fought wisdom, so I hope that you will indulge a girl a few moments of reflection.

Looking back on this blog, which I think I will likely only update annually, you should really read last year’s post. It’s admittedly long, but contains a lot of good updates, information, and even explains “cancer-versary.” But I will say a few additional things today... 

1) I say it every year, but today I always think about several people in my life. The ones that donated all the sick leave so that I could stay home for almost an entire school year. I will never be able to repay that kindness. And I will always know that not having to stress about work or money or health care made a HUGE difference. You know who you are... I cannot thank you enough. 

2) People ask how I’m doing:

Oh, there are residual things like neuropathy, fucked-up tastebuds, joint issues, osteoporosis... basically things that are annoying and make me feel BROKEN sometimes, but I can deal. I always say that chemo is the gift that keeps on giving. 

I stopped taking any meds a few years ago, which will probably come back to bite me in the ass some day, but whatever. I still drink Diet Coke, which will also probably kill me. Sometimes it’s simply about LIVING the life that is best for you. Risk vs reward and all that. 

On a positive note, this past week I finally hit a weight loss milestone: I am back to what I call my "fighting weight." My pre-cancer/chemo/steroids/menopause weight. I’ve lost 20 pounds since January, which is something I never thought I’d be able to do. It feels pretty fantastic ... one positive side effect of the pandemic I guess.          

3) PSA:  

For those that may not know it, PTSD is a thing, and not just limited to soldiers. I have triggers and it’ll hit me every now and then. And just when you think you’ve finally gotten to a place where you are far removed from the experiences and haven't had an attack in forever, 2 things trigger you at once, and you end up CRYING at school and yelling at people who don’t even know your story. So, yeah, basically good times. And I tell you this not for your sympathy, but simply to say, JUST BE KIND to people. You have no idea how hard I tried to keep it together before having that panic attack because I am NOT typically a crier. But I just had to cry and breathe and walk it off. And the people around me asked what I needed, and then gave me the space to deal. Because I honestly don’t need hugs and sympathy in that situation, I just need to deal with my shit. And they let me. 

PSA #2: don’t be afraid to be vulnerable in front of people. See above.

4) I get so mad we haven't cured this cancer bullshit yet. And I'm not sure "grateful" is the right word here, but I am glad that when people I know are staring down the madness and unknown of a possible diagnosis, that they reach out. DO NOT EVER BE AFRAID TO REACH OUT TO ME. I will always be here for you... even if you just need distraction and sarcasm. 

5) Updates on last year’s post:

I renewed my passport! Even had an awesome solo trip to watch the Tour de France in July booked. But Covid canceled that. No worries... it’ll happen.

I have (hopefully) limited the crazy in my life.

I have found a path to happiness and it feels fantastic! And maybe my new blog?  

This is the point in the post where I copy what I wrote on the first anniversary of my diagnosis. But I’m not going to do that this year, because it’s easy enough to find, especially if you’re going to scroll and read what I wrote last year anyway. But I will copy the advice! 

If you have no other takeaways from my experience I hope you realize that there are no guarantees. We may or may not get a tomorrow, so PLEASE don’t take life for granted. Don’t save anything for a “special occasion.”  

 

 What I want to say most importantly today is that I have learned that life's too short my friends. It really is. And you should be LIVING it...to the fullest...everyday. Always. 

Be happy. 

Say I love you. 

Be thankful. 

Don't take anything, or ANYONE, for granted. 

Do what you love. 

Don't wait for "someday." 

Oh, and eat dessert first.

Edited in 2015 to add:

Go because you can. TAKE THE DAMN TRIPS (okay, that might have to wait now, but someday...)

Because why not?! (Make this your mantra like it is mine)

WEAR SUNSCREEN!

Edited in 2019 to add:

Get all the tattoos.

Watch ALL the sunsets.

Edited in 2020 to add:

Re-connect with your people. Take the time, have the conversations, enjoy the laughter.

See the shows, watch the concerts, go to the games (again, someday and hopefully ASAP).

Don't accept BULLSHIT. 

And it bears repeating: FIND THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE YOU LAUGH. And who love you unconditionally. 

And so, my friends, please take this day and raise a glass, eat the cupcake, read the book, and chase the sunset. Do it for me, but do it for YOURSELF. I'll leave you with this quote, which is also one of my next tattoos: 

"Don't be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don't have to life forever, you just have to live." --Natalie Babbitt, Tuck Everlasting